1. "Is my skirt too short for work? Omigod, I think my skirt is too short for work." You spend the day shuffling everywhere with your laptop pressed against your hip to keep it from riding up to the point of indecency that makes even the young, cute girls in your office look twice at you.
2. You accidentally close out of a Very Important email/document you've been working on forever. You have a deadline. Your boss is in a bad mood. All you need is a big hard wall you can bash your head against but you have one of those ~hip~ open plan offices where no one sits near a big, hard wall.
3. You arrive six minutes late to a meeting with highly important people. You slink into the back corner while praying silently to the Lean In gods — please, Sheryl, please send an asshole who's even later to this meeting than I am.
4. You hit reply all on a staff-wide email. It's cool, these 80 people will only hate me for the next two hours until the email chain dies down and then it will be over, you tell yourself as you die inside remembering all the times you complained about The Reply-All Ass Hole.
5. When you desperately need to Gchat your friend about something terrible that just happened and she's not there. WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO? TEXT YOUR CAT?!?!
6. You're not an admin on your computer because of IT "policy" which means you can't install important software you need to do your job when you're on a tight deadline. Why does your computer fail you when you need it the most? Why was it was easier to teach your mother emojis than it was for IT to call you back in a reasonable amount of time!?
7. You get called into a meeting by someone important and have no idea what it's about. Was it your skirt? Of course in hindsight you never would've worn it! Or was it because you replied all to that stupid fucking email chain? Oh, we're just talking big picture shit, that's cool, let's do it.
8. Maybe you drank too much at coworker bonding happy hour? Not that you would ever exercise poor judgment around your boss and colleagues... Well, there was a short chunk of time between your last glass of wine (how many glasses was it? oh fuck.) and catching a ride home that you can't quite remember. But you probably just talked about the last episode of The Mindy Project right? Shit, Stacy is looking at me weird this morning... Oh fuck.
9. Your first out-of-office trip with higher-ups is just as super-weird as you thought it would be. It's weird that bosses exist outside of work! What are you even supposed to talk about when you're waiting to get on an airplane? Oh, so they're going to talk about things you've never heard of this whole time while you look at the wall awkwardly and think about how awkward you're going to tell your boyfriend this was on the phone later. OK then.
10. The one day you don't shower, it's suspiciously quiet at work. Is it because nobody wants to sit next to you? Do you smell?
11. The office is the most silent when your dad needs to talk to you about your portion of the phone bill. Damn these ~hip~ new offices where no one has an office because we're supposed to share a giant brain. Well guess what, the part of my brain I use to talk to my family about how I'm broke is mine only.
12. Facebook, Netflix, Gilt, and Pinterest are all chillin' on your screen as your boss walks by. She has to procrastinate, too, sometimes, right? You can't be the only person in the office who is looking for shoes and something to watch when you get home. Why isn't my friend on Gchat so I can confirm this?
13. You made a mistake. It was small and preventable and some part of your brain knows it's going to be OK, but that doesn't mean you're not going to panic about it for the next three hours and call your mom who will confirm that it's going to be OK.
14. You cried. Your boss was just trying to give you constructive feedback and all of a sudden you felt your EmOTiOns*~ and did the thing you vowed never to do outside of the bathroom stall: you cried. And you have to sit in your chair with a red face until you can get out of here and call your mom and cry for real.
15. You tweeted or Facebooked or Instagrammed something you probably shouldn't have and now you're worried everyone saw it and you're going to die. This is the Internet, where nothing is ever really gone. Except your dignity.
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