The subject line
What they say: "Farewell" or "Goodbye for now"
What they mean: I'M SPRUNG HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
What they say: Apologies for the mass email, but as some of you might know, I'm sad to be leaving this great company after three incredible years.
What they mean: Literally could not care less about sending this email. In fact, I care so little that I put it off until after my goodbye drinks with the few people from work I do like. (I'm buzzed right now, SHHHHHHH.) After three years of Sisyphean, soul-shattering struggle—it was only fun the first week—I have found somewhere else that will pay me (more) money to do work I find slightly less objectionable.
The begrudging personal email reveal
What they say: In the meantime, feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
What they mean: Here's an email I made once so I could get another Netflix free trial. I think I remember the password for it?
The obligatory good wishes
What they say: I've loved getting to know all of you. Hope our paths cross in the future!
What they mean: LOL. Only if I'm your boss.
The closing GIF
What they say:
What they mean:
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Chelsea Peng is a writer and editor who was formerly the assistant editor at MarieClaire.com. She's also worked for The Strategist and Refinery29, and is a graduate of Northwestern University. On her tombstone, she would like a GIF of herself that's better than the one that already exists on the Internet and a free fro-yo machine. Besides frozen dairy products, she's into pirates, carbs, Balzac, and snacking so hard she has to go lie down.
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