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First off, I'm firmly on Team Hannah G, a.k.a, I'm Staying Out Of This Mess. I believe the rumored conversation between Cassie and Caelynn on this week's episode of (opens in new tab)The Bachelor (opens in new tab) happened, and that neither of them are there with the intention of being engaged at the end. And I don't see that as the worst thing in the world.
Here's my theory: Yes, Katie did overhear them mentioning that it'd be nice or great if one of them wound up the Bachelorette at the end of all of this. Shady? Yes. But fair? Definitely. Only one of them can wind up with the guy in the end, and that'd be another great outcome. Let's be honest—no one who goes on this show is saying no to further opportunities that come to them because of their participation in this show. Mild notoriety and Instagram followers sounds like a good thing when you're a young person. Look at Grocery Store Joe—I doubt he went on this show thinking he'd be on tour with Dancing with the Stars a year later, but he's not going to turn down the chance. Katie heard a conversation, shared that with a few people who later had a conversation about it, and the entire thing was blown out of proportion.
Anyway. Aside from that, Colton and Tayshia had this season's obligatory "normal" date, where they walked around, took out his dog, and showed off the city of Denver.
I feel like a trip to Denver without a shot of a dispensary is not showing the best of the town, but I was also too busy being shocked at the fact that Colton eats oysters. I don't know why, I just imagine him being...culinarily ignorant. (That's a nice way of saying "picky eater.") Hey, I'm not shaming him for it! And at that time, Colton asked Tayshia a) what the tea was that Katie spilt during her exit last week, and b) if she's ready to head down the aisle at the end of all of this. And Tayshia answers his questions. As I've said before, don't use your time with the lead to shit-talk the girls—Kirpa—but if they ask, you can be honest. Caelynn and Cassie didn't do a great job of fighting their argument, but then again, neither did Tayshia and Kirpa.
Caelynn and Cassie resorted to name-calling and pretended they were "blindsided" when we just saw them scheming about the entire thing. Cassie all but admitted it was said. Caelynn (who has been showing a real mean girl streak (opens in new tab) these last few episodes) did the "crying without crying by touching my tear ducts" that Gretchen Rossi perfected in her final season of the Real Housewives of Orange County (opens in new tab) in an attempt to stir sympathy and threw a "I'm falling in love with you" Hail Mary like Tia did last season. (Too bad that couldn't work for Hannah Alabama, who I'll touch on momentarily.) Kirpa couldn't GAF about Colton, and yet she was still invested in the truth, and Tayshia, I personally feel took an opportunity to throw one of them under the bus, but she just also happened to be better at being composed than they were.
And let's be real: At the end of all of this, Colton will choose whoever he wants, no matter what the other girls say. There has never been a time in this franchise when one person's complaint about another person has lead to a different decision. The only time that may have come close was when Emily Maynard confronted Kalon (opens in new tab) about him calling her daughter "baggage," which is entirely different, and one of the best moments this show has produced.
Unfortunately, all of this worked out for everyone but Kirpa, who got more screen time in her final episode than she did all season, and Tayshia, The Other Hannah, Caelynn, and Cassie are all headed to hometowns.
I'm Team All The Girls That Dumped Colton, including Heather, someone whose side I never thought I would ever be on. While Colton is all torn-natalieimbruglia.mp3 (opens in new tab), three girls this season have dumped him, and I can't help but laugh. I really love that Heather was like "no, don't meet my family," and they sent her off on the same train she arrived on, leaving the other group abandoned in a forest. Or so I imagine.
This also makes Colton the most dumped person in Bachelor history with four women, by my count, beating Nick Viall's record of three.
I just want to touch on Hannah Alabama's elimination, which kind of broke my heart. It is immensely messed up to bring her to meet Colton's parents only to tell her that he can't get the same way in the time period he needs. Honestly, it broke my heart, and I was even mad that Hannah Alabama was the recipient of this season's Bag Rolled Out by A Producer. I think Hannah is an open heart, almost too open, and her hope and earnestness was used against her on this show. Her last words are some of the best sentiments I've ever heard expressed from someone on this show, and I think they deserve to be repeated: "The desire in my heart is to be loved so fearlessly by somebody. I will not allow myself to not feel chosen every single day, and I’ll wait ‘til whenever that is."
Here's hoping there's a fence jumping in our future, too.
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Amanda Mitchell is a writer and podcaster with bylines at Marie Claire, OprahMag, Allure, Byrdie, Stylecaster, Bon Appetit, and more. Her work exists at the apex of beauty, pop culture, and absurdity. A human Funfetti cake, she watches too much television, and her favorite season is awards season. You can read more of her work at amandaelizabethmitchell.com or follow her on Instagram and Twitter @lochnessmanda.
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