From this reporter's observation, the headdress count during weekend one of Coachella was at least four and the bindi count ∞, so, yeah—we've still got work to do, people. But this guide is a bit different in that we're addressing the lesser-known, not-completely obvious (AHEM) ways an otherwise good person might commit casual asshole-ry this festival season. (It's okay—happens to the best of us.)
Do Not Join That Garbage Conga Line of 78 People Trying to Get to the Front Even Though There's Nowhere to Move
You shall not pass, no matter how hard you shove.
Do Not Plunk Down in the Middle of the Crowd
1) This is for your own safety, because you will get stomped on, maybe your face if you're also one of those who lie down. 2) It is extremely rude to those picking their way through to the back-middle of the hordes to get a slightly less blurry video of Kendrick they will never watch again. The outskirts = sitting zone. Everywhere else is for moshing like Drake.
Do Not Cut Anybody in Line Without Explanation
Not the brightest idea in any sort of environment, much less one that breeds frustration, aggression, and bad tempers because of the heat/booze/illicit substances/how many grime and rap artists they've got on the lineups. It is horrendous festi karma (real thing), and it will come back to bite you, probably when someone leaving hands out $500 in drink vouchers...to the person right next to you. Exceptions: Your bladder is about to burst or you're one second away from ejecting a burrito and
three four tequila sodas from your person. But even then, you shouldn't just wedge your way in—you should go, "PLEASE, COULD I JUMP AHEAD OF YOU IT'S AN EMERGENCY I SWEAR" while clutching your body.
If the Occasion to Not Pay for Something Should Arise, Do Not Take It
The bars will never not be at full capacity, which means it is possible that the person serving you might make a human error, as in your card fails to swipe/insert properly, but he's already moved on to the next customer. Be a good dude and speak up—it's that simple. Also, if you are chill, your bartender might top you off in appreciation.
Do Not Make a Scene If I Happen to Walk in Front of You Taking a Photo
Sucks to suck. (But I will still say sorry you had to do a 294th take, because you're clearly blocking traffic and pedestrians have the right of way. 😇)