Defining "The Spark": What Sets Me Aflame


This week--after my mention of "date-recycling" and my tips on how to graciously decline a second date--a few of you seemed to think I'm a little too picky, and that I don't give most dudes a second chance.

In my own defense, let me say this:

Regarding the giving of second chances: I went through a phase--after beginning to wonder if I might have something of a problem with commitment-phobia--of going along with just about EVERYONE who asked for one second date. In fact, I even spent a few months at different stretches exclusively dating a few guys who didn't light my fire because I thought, "Maybe I'm just being difficult! Maybe I should be more willing to give people who like me a lot a go!"

But none of that ever worked out.

And so trial and error has taught me that pushing myself when I didn't feel the spark was pretty much a waste of time.

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Some of you have also asked what the spark feels like, for me.

Und zooo ...

Regarding the spark: There's a reason that thing got its name.

The spark is a certain feeling of sudden heat--even alarm--that seem to start in the heart region (literally--I feel it underneath my sternum somewhere). It quickly migrates to the netherparts (i.e. those covered by my loincloth). It's a bit like the reaction I have if somebody comes up behind me and startles me, only a bit subtler and more pleasant; somewhat like the feeling after having a shot of espresso, only more flickering, with a kind of inner-stomach-tremble-thing going on. It is not, for me, a sensation that persists for a long time; rather, it's a sudden realization: Hey! I would like for this person to kiss me! And then to take off all his clothes and bathe with me!

What factors need to be in place for me to feel the spark?

  1. Initially, upon first seeing the dude, I have to think, Huuu-hey now, not bad, not bad, he's got something cooking, doesn't he? Kinda foxy, in fact, ain't he? (After that, I generally lick my chops.) I don't require drop-dead gorgeous looks. But a certain sexiness needs to be there. I don't have a type, either: I've dated guys with every hair color under the sun, plenty of skin types, a number of body types. (However, I tend to like guys who are in decent shape, and those who are taller than me in my heels.)
  2. He needs to be an interesting conversationalist, who can regale me with his thoughts, knowledge and insights.
  3. He needs to be confident, verging on cocky, at the very least in terms of sexuality.
  4. He needs to be NOT so depressed that he can't more or less function like a normal human being.
  5. Generally, I think it's also very helpful if he's smarter than me. Not sure why I require this, and often I wish I didn't (because it can make me insecure). But so it goes.

    A note about #4: I am more than happy to date a person who is medicated and functional. But it's just too hard to try to carry someone who's in too deep.

    So ... lovelies ... what do you think? Do you forgive me and understand where I'm coming from on the topic of second dates? Also, what lights your fire?



    dear Chessenia: i'm glad you are with me on this! we need to band together, sister, and spread the word.

    and Ellen: yes: i like my refusals to be as firm as my gluteal muscles. so, right on!


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