You may not know Iliza Shlesinger (yet), but she knows you. She gets that you love cold weather but hate being cold. She gets that inside of you, inside all of us, there's a "Party Goblin" just one tequila shot away from rearing its sloppy, hideous, drunken head. She gets that you really, really love Pinterest. And, best part, she calls us out on it, all while making us ugly-laugh.
Her sophomore standup special, Freezing Hot, premieres on Netflix today. The hour-long show reveals some of Shlesinger's most embarrassing secrets (like planning her "fantasy breakup"), which incidentally are all of our most embarrassing secrets (you know you've done it, so don't even). She tackles gender, dating, and what makes us tick/rage/obsess.
TL;DR: She's really fucking funny. Trust us, we talked to her.
Marie Claire: First things first: What is "girl logic"?
Iliza Shlesinger: Girl logic sort of encapsulates the idea that everything in a girl's brain is a contradiction of itself. To us it makes sense because it's the way we feel—our head and our heart are very connected. It's like: I'm hungry but I don't feel like eating. Every girl has said that. Or it's the negation of something. It's basically, I don't know what I want but I know what I don't want. For men, it's frustrating because they're like, "Tell me what you want!" and you're like "I don't know! I don't want that! Please figure it out and take me somewhere fun." More factors go into decisions for us than they do for men for most things. A guy has never once woken up and been like, I hope that I don't get sexually assaulted when I walk home today. I better dress appropriately. That's the sad part of the spectrum. The funnier end is you go to put on a shirt and it's not the same shirt as it was yesterday: Your weight has fluctuated, you feel different, you don't feel as tan, like there are so many things being thrown at you. It's a wonder we can get out of bed at all.
It's an accomplishment everyday.
It really is and that's why you hear girls saying things like "I deserve it." It's because you do. Just to be a girl who has it together on any level with all the messages being thrown at us to try and make us feel insecure. The fact that you've accomplished anything is a testament to your will and strength.
In Freezing Hot, you talk about planning your "fantasy breakup" with an ex—any current dream relationship enders?
Well, the thing about breakups is it's specific to each relationship. I don't know if I say this in the special but I wanted a "rain breakup" because I felt the rain would be emblematic of the tears shed during the courtship, which is ridiculous. The guy that I am dating now is so sweet that the idea of hurting him makes me sad. However, once a month, as we all understand, all I want to do is rip his head off and write in blood "I told you I was dangerous, I told you to stay away." This is just terrible.
What is the appropriate emoji response to…getting a booty call text at 2 a.m. on a Saturday?
Obviously, a thumbs-down emoji. There's this one emoji of, like, a piece of lunchmeat on a bone…actually, there's this one emoji of a plate and it seems to have rice and beans on it. A plate of, like, three things. You could send that and say, "Like your request, I don't know what to do with this either."
…Your boss texts asking you to come into the office on a weekend.
I would probably send him the emoji of a dragon because like that request, it's not a real thing.
…Your mom texts anything.
I would probably send back the eggplant because it looks like a picture of a penis and so it's like a great way to tell a dick joke to your mom without your mom being any the wiser.
Who, or what, is the Party Goblin?
The Party Goblin is a tiny creature that lives within us all. She sleeps on a bed of rags and regrets in the back of your brain and she is a little creature that takes control when you get liquor in you. Everyone's Party Goblin is different. Some people's Party Goblin is quiet, some people's Party Goblin loves to steal ambulances, some people's Party Goblin loves to dance on tables, and some people's Party Goblin loves to get in cars with strangers. Everyone's Party Goblin is the worst version of yourself on your worst night at college at your drunkest. She's 10 pounds heavier, in a pair of cheap shoes, an ugly skort or something, and bad hair extensions, eating garbage off the floor, pizza at 5 a.m., crying #truestory.
Can you ever get rid of her?
You'll never get rid of Party Goblin. She can sleep for many, many years. It could be a Monday night and if the liquor hits you just right: Uh-oh Party Goblin is here. Let's do some whip-its or something horrible. Some of my friends get drunk and like to steal stuff. People do weird things when they are drunk. Everybody has that one friend that gets drunk and all of a sudden starts saying horribly racist stuff.
What's on your Pinterest board?
Which one, I have several.
I'll go online and tell you right now. My Pinterest board titles are the following: I Want These, which has different fashion items that I can never pull off, like white jeans; I Want to Eat This, which has recipes I plan on making for my fictional boyfriend because in reality I don't want to cook for my boyfriend anymore; I Want to Do This, that's tons of life hack designs to make your life easier but really will result in you collecting lots of garbage; Perfect Party with appetizers for parties; Fun for Your Nest, which is home decorating ideas I'll never do; Tea Party for the one time I had a tea party and pinned all these British things; Things That Make Me Happy with mostly pictures of me and funny pictures of animals and cats. And the last one I have is for my best friend who is marrying her partner and I am hell-bent on planning her wedding so it's called Michelle and Grace's Bucolic Lesbian Wedding Extravaganza with all outdoorsy lesbian wedding stuff.
OK. And exactly what temperature is "freezing hot"?
Freezing hot has to be zero. If we are going by girl logic, and girl logic is the negation of anything you think, it would have to just all lead to zero. Because a positive or a negative still makes a zero, which is also the size I hope to be. Zero is the size I want everyone to think that I am.
Freezing Hot is streaming on Netflix now. We urge you to watch it. Here's a teaser:
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