Recently, I was forced by a writer I know — mentioned here — to attend some comedy reading he was participating in. These things are rarely funny. They are usually hot and smelly and filled with down-on-their-luck literary types. Lucky for me, this show was an exception, largely because it opened with a monologue by a hilarious comedian and author named Bob Powers. He had some advice for women on how they can break up with the boys they're dating. I chortled, I snorted, I very nearly choked on my Tic Tac.
Anyway, I've picked a few of my favorites and listed them below. PUH-lease: If anyone actually has the audacity to try any of these, you must report back!
1. Get a Large, Controversial Tattoo Just Above Your Genitals.
"It should be a tattoo that makes him feel awful every time he lays his eyes on it, so that he feels dread every time you take your clothes off. You could go with a photo-rendering of the smoking twin towers of the World Trade Center rising up from your pelvis...Or the words, I Didn't Text Ten Dollars to Haiti. Or just go with your best judgment."
2. Frame Him for a Crime He Didn't Commit
"The next time you and your boyfriend are heading out together for a nice dinner, wrap your arms tight around his waist like you still enjoy touching his body. He'll be distracted by the sudden affection, and that's when you drop the baggy of uncut heroin into his coat pocket. When you arrive at the restaurant, excuse yourself to go to the ladies' room and call the police from a pay phone to give them an anonymous tip about the drug pusher sitting at Table 12."
3. Start Repeating Everything He Says in a High-Pitched Girly Voice
"No matter what your boyfriend says to you, whether it be, 'I've never met anyone like you before and I think I'm in love with you,' or 'The hospital just called. My brother is dead. Hold me,' you have to repeat it right back at him in a mocking, high-pitched girly voice. He'll at first ask you why you're making fun of him, and your response will be to repeat his question in a high-pitched girly voice."
Here's a bonus one that's special for all the (other) cougars out there:
Break Up with a Boy Who's Many Years Younger by Telling Him You're His Real Mom
"Tell your boyfriend that you can't see him anymore because you just found out that he's your long-lost biological son, whom you put up for adoption when you were a promiscuous-yet-pro-life 13-year-old, and so you and he should break up because you're his mother and you say so."