A friend of a friend has
called his ex-girlfriend six times since she broke up with him. I told my friend to bestow my breaking
up advice on him. Whether you want
someone back or not, if you follow the rules below, you will maintain your
dignity, maybe win the person back, or eventually get over them:
1. Ride Off Into The Sunset
In college I took a class
called “American Western Movies”. Give me a break, ok? It was
summer session. But this class did
teach me something. I learned I
wanted to be a cowboy. They are so
cool, collect, never play their hand, never look rattled, and they are always
confident.
One thing they all did was
ride off as the sun set on the horizon after their business was done.
Riding off into the sunset
keeps our dignity. When a girl
breaks up with me, I will say:
"OK, it was great getting
to know you over the past (insert length of time). You take care."
My business is done.
Then, I will figuratively
ride off into the sunset. I won’t
tell her how much I miss her. I
won’t tell her she made a mistake. I won’t call, email or text. I won’t mention her to mutual friends. I’ll be gone from her life.
Suddenly, it will dawn on
the girl that she is not getting her money’s worth for this breakup. It is true: people who do the breaking up have an air of power to
them. They like being the decision
maker, and having the control. But
after I walk away like it’s no problem, she’ll start to think:
"Wow, why isn’t he shaken
up over this? Did he even care
that I broke up with him?"
Or even better, the
ever-popular and coveted:
"Did I do the right thing
breaking up with him?"
That’s when you know you’re in business.
2. Apply the Wizard of Oz Effect
Of course, most likely, we
are in total pain and anguish after a break up. But, we can’t let that show. Remember:
"Pay no mind to that man
behind the curtain?"
We can, behind the
curtain, cry, complain, bitch, yell, be angry, and hurt. But, we must craft the appearance on
the outside of being fine with everything. We need to look happy on the outside to the other
person 100% of the time we see them post-breakup.
This also gives the
illusion that you might be seeing someone else, or that you’ve got other things
going on. Of course you’re
miserable and there’s NOTHING going on in your life, but they don’t have to
know it!
3. Enact the Verb in “Breaking Up”
Get rid of all evidence of
them. Put it all in a closet,
under your bed, or anywhere. I’m a sucker for a strand of hair or her shampoo smell left on a pillow
after a girl is over. If broken up
with, this must go: wash the
sheets! Remember in breaking
up, think of it like a guillotine—make it fast:
On a guillotine, you’d rather have a sharp
blade slice your head right off than a blunt blade repeatedly cut and cut until
finally your head finally fell off.
If it’s a break up they want, make it clean for them. It will look good, and it will be easier on you. Flush them right out of your life immediately, and completely.
4. Don’t Look Back
It’s hard to accomplish
this. We know not to look back,
just like we know not to look down when someone says don’t look down...but we
still look down. But, make it easy
on yourself: looking back and
saying stuff like:
"Gosh, just two weeks ago,
we were out to dinner and she stayed over here and we were so close..."
...will just make it more
painful. You can’t look back until
it’s time to look back—when you’re truly over it.
5. Remember You’ll Get Over It
The best thing about
breaking up is those following mornings you wake up after you’ve truly gotten
over someone. You’re renewed,
alive, and ready to see what the world has to offer. Keep pushing through for this feeling, remember all those
people you thought you’d never get over (you know you ended up getting over
them), and as Jim Morrison once crooned: "break on through to the other side!"
Well I don’t know about
you, but after going through all that, I’m inspired to get dumped!
So, do you agree with
these rules? Do you have any
nightmare breakup stories? If a
guy you dumped followed these rules, would you start reconsidering? Would you be annoyed if you dumped a
guy and he didn’t get upset?
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