Some of my girlfriends are confused about why these guys who have hurt them before re-appear in their lives. I've gone over why they disappear, so here is why they re-appear, and how you should handle it:
1. He truly realizes he made a mistake and he wants you back. Never rule out that the guy is being true when he returns and intends to make an effort to stay together. The key is to remember that he did leave once, and he must prove his intentions. And remember actions speak louder than words. He’ll come back saying all the right things, but, you should demand a standard of treatment. Make him prove himself multiple times before you let your guard down. Plus, making it tough for him to get back in will make him respect you more and not take you for granted. I’d hate to say it, but if guys can play dirty, girls can too: use the fact that he hurt you by leaving against him as he tries to prove himself.
2. He’s “ready”. Guys always think they have to sew their wild oats before they can get into something too serious. With my first girlfriend, I realized I wanted to hook up with another girl after we had been together for a year. So, I broke up with her. In the span of a week I hooked up with three other girls and then my girlfriend and I ended up getting back together. That sort of behavior is not normal for me, but at the time it was just something I had to do. Ultimately, I realized that my girlfriend actually meant something and I was lucky she took me back. There are a lot of things guys need to do during a hiatus from dating.
3. Turns out he thinks you’re the best he can do. Don’t be the old standby. Unless you’re a “bunny boiler”—a la Glen Close in Fatal Attraction, chances are he didn’t delete your number from his phone. Often, guys go back into the dating world after long relationships, and realize how brutal it is. They don’t find a girl that makes them comfortable, that they feel confident around, or that wants to be around them as much as their previous girlfriends. It’s really hard to discern this reason from reason #1, or even reason #2. But, again, if you make it hard for him to come back and put him through the ringer, he will prove himself one way or the other. Really, do you want a guy to come back because he wants you, or because he’s settling for you?
4. He wants sex. This is as bad as it gets. It’s terrible but lots of guys treat sex like a job. They send out resumes, make calls, follow up and see which feeler they put out gets a bite. If a guy has had sex with a former girlfriend, he’ll think it wont take as much time and effort to have sex with her again. Keep in mind that a guy who texts or calls, even if you’ve been intimate or in a relationship, may have called/texted three of four other girls and is just waiting to see which one will pan out. Figuring this one out is simple: don’t have sex with him again until you are 110% sure that he’s not just looking for sex from you. If you don’t give in, and he’s just looking for sex—guess what—he’ll disappear again and you’ll thank your lucky stars you didn’t give in to him.
5. He likes having power over you. Some guys are so insecure that they just like having girls want them or knowing girls think about them so they can feel better about themselves. These guys are tricky—they know how to time their calls and texts perfectly. They know how to keep you guess, keep you hoping, etc. It’s pretty easy to figure these guys out. If they are repeatedly guilty of not giving you what you want or deserve, they may be using you to feed their ego. If you feel the least bit slighted just say:
“This is not what I want. I deserve more”
He’ll either shape up, or ship out. And if he ships out, he is welcome to find someone else to try to hold power over.
Do you agree with my reasons? Do any of you have other reasons that guys may have come back, and have you ever been repeatedly hurt by the same guy because you trusted him too quickly?
