Dr. Becky Kennedy has built an Instagram following of 3.5 million by sharing her tips and strategies for raising kids. And while many of those 3.5 million people are undoubtedly parents, on the latest episode of the "Nice Talk" podcast, Kennedy explains that her viral parenting strategy can apply to another major facet of life: the workplace.
Kennedy co-founded Good Inside, which is now an app, website, book, and podcast with parenting advice all based around the same idea of "authority without aggression and connection without collapse." The clinical psychologist calls it a "middle ground" based on her belief that "we've over corrected from 'parents don't care about kids' feelings' to 'kids' feelings now dictate parent decisions.'"
Kennedy says that she hears from parents who use the Good Inside app only to find that the tips are also "really useful in work." This is not a surprise from her standpoint: "Human relationships are human relationships."
Some parenting strategies that can apply to the office include the idea of being a "sturdy leader" rather than a "selfless martyr"—a.k.a. "the best moms run themselves into the ground. The best moms are the most tired moms. The best moms are the most selfless moms."
"'Selfless' is a terrifying word for me," Kennedy says. "I don't want a selfless pilot. I want a pilot, I want a CEO who knows what they believe in, who's listening to other people, but losing yourself? That's not a good situation. I think being a sturdy leader actually can be captured by our ability to do two things at once. You're able to stay connected to yourself, meaning I know my values, I know what I want, I know my limitations, I know what limits I need to set to stay a sane person, and I'm also able to stay connected to someone else, meaning I can hear that they don't agree with me, I can let them be upset, and I can tolerate that because it doesn't threaten me so much."
Kennedy gives an example of a parent having to deny a kid another episode of TV and a manager having to turn down an employee's request for a promotion that is not yet available. You care about how the person feels—even if the decision being made is not what they were looking for and will upset them—but you also know that it was the right move at the time.
Another Dr. Becky tip that can apply to many interpersonal scenarios: "Do and say nothing until you've gotten yourself in an effective mindset." Basically, don't try to solve a problem while you're thinking of the other person as the enemy or as the thing that needs to be fixed.
"People like to be brought in to solve problems," Kennedy says. "They're like, 'Oh, let's solve this problem together.' Nobody likes to be talked to like they are the problem … And if you just approach someone like you're on the same team, there's nothing to defend, and now you can do more pure problem solving."
She continues, "With the kid, instead of saying, 'Hey, every time you go to the park, you hit someone, like, what's wrong with you? We don't do that in this family' versus 'Hey, you know what? It's so hard to be in the sandbox and watch someone have that red truck and have to wait for it ... Hitting is not okay, but I wanted to think about this together. What do you think you can do when you're in the sandbox, knowing it's hard? What should we do?' Even a four-year-old, even a two-year-old will really benefit from it. So, again, same method, same team mindset is to me always a first step, and then usually the conversation is easier and more effective."
For more from Kennedy—including her explanations of emotional regulation and weaponized incompetence—check out this week's installment of "Nice Talk." The episode is available everywhere you listen to podcasts.