Warning: this rant contains mild spoilers.
Fact One: Bruce Wayne is a self-indulgent finance bro who cosplays as a bat with erect nipples. Fact Two: Wonder Woman is a perfect and flaw-free movie, sullied only by the presence of DC's resident caped crusader—who managed to worm his way into the film without even appearing on screen, like a true troll.
Wonder Woman begins with Batman sending Diana Prince a photo in the mail. Except he doesn't use the U.S. Postal Service because, due to a critical condition known as "Being Extra," he feels the need to send his correspondence in a private truck—a super-subtle means of transportation that definitely doesn't scream "LOVE ME, WONDER WOMAN."
Thanks to Bruce Wayne (more like Bruce Lame, ha ha ha), Diana Prince—who's simply trying to enjoy her day at the office—ends up going on an almost three hour walk down memory lane, during which she says goodbye to her mom forever, watches her loved ones die, and endures the emotional trauma of an entire village being gassed. Thanks Batman!
In fact, I'd like to whip out 2017's most overused/misused word and posit the theory that Batman is gaslighting Wonder Woman by sliding into her real-life DMs, triggering un-asked for memories, and then "being there for her" when she's feeling emotionally vulnerable.
Who knows how many more "important letters" in massive briefcases that definitely aren't compensating for anything 👀 Bruce Wayne will send to Diana, but it's clear that his attempts to creep into her inbox and ruin her day with dusty old photos of her dead friends is blatantly thirsty. And while Wonder Woman is perfect despite Batman worming his way in, I would have appreciated footage of the phone call that doubtless happened after the movie ended, which I imagine went something like this:
Wonder Woman:
Batman:
Wonder Woman:
Batman:
Wonder Woman:
Kay Batman, please resume your activities and leave Wonder Woman alone until Justice League. She never asked to share a comic book universe with you.
RELATED STORY
Follow Marie Claire on Facebook for the latest celeb news, beauty tips, fascinating reads, livestream video, and more.
-
Omid Scobie Knows His Explosive New Book Might Be the End of His Career as a Royal CorrespondentHe opens up exclusively to Marie Claire about why he chose to report on the royal family “completely fearlessly” in “Endgame.”
-
Paris Hilton Now Has 2 Children Named After Major Cities
It's called sliving, look it up.
-
Tiffany Haddish Addresses Her DUI Arrest—Kind Of—Just Hours After It Happened
Arrested at 5:45 a.m. on Friday, she still took to the stage Friday night to perform a stand-up routine.
-
The Unstoppable Alia Bhatt
Bollywood’s silver-screen darling is both at the top of her game and just getting started.
-
The 30 Best Movies on Hulu Right Now
From 'Fight Club' to '10 Things I Hate About You.'
-
Queen Elizabeth Has Passed Away at 96
After a 70-year reign, the queen passed away at her home in Balmoral, Scotland.
-
The 50 Best '80s Movies
An official ranking of the decade's standout films.
-
Elizabeth Lail and Dustin Milligan Compete in 'How Well Do You Know Your Co-Star?'
The stars of 'Mack & Rita' could barely hold it together during a round of trivia.
-
Charli XCX Isn't Here to Appease Anyone
The pop star talks authenticity, her new album, and taking care of herself while on tour.
-
What 'Femininity' Means in 2022
Malala, Amanda Gorman, Priyanka Chopra Jonas, and more define the word on their own terms.
-
Will Smith Thought He Was Protecting His Wife. Instead, He Was Excusing Violence as “Love”
As a Black woman and survivor of domestic violence, I was traumatized by Will Smith’s attack on Chris Rock.
