Warning: this rant contains mild spoilers.
Fact One: Bruce Wayne is a self-indulgent finance bro who cosplays as a bat with erect nipples. Fact Two: Wonder Woman is a perfect and flaw-free movie, sullied only by the presence of DC's resident caped crusader—who managed to worm his way into the film without even appearing on screen, like a true troll.
Wonder Woman begins with Batman sending Diana Prince a photo in the mail. Except he doesn't use the U.S. Postal Service because, due to a critical condition known as "Being Extra," he feels the need to send his correspondence in a private truck—a super-subtle means of transportation that definitely doesn't scream "LOVE ME, WONDER WOMAN."
Thanks to Bruce Wayne (more like Bruce Lame, ha ha ha), Diana Prince—who's simply trying to enjoy her day at the office—ends up going on an almost three hour walk down memory lane, during which she says goodbye to her mom forever, watches her loved ones die, and endures the emotional trauma of an entire village being gassed. Thanks Batman!
In fact, I'd like to whip out 2017's most overused/misused word and posit the theory that Batman is gaslighting Wonder Woman by sliding into her real-life DMs, triggering un-asked for memories, and then "being there for her" when she's feeling emotionally vulnerable.
Who knows how many more "important letters" in massive briefcases that definitely aren't compensating for anything 👀 Bruce Wayne will send to Diana, but it's clear that his attempts to creep into her inbox and ruin her day with dusty old photos of her dead friends is blatantly thirsty. And while Wonder Woman is perfect despite Batman worming his way in, I would have appreciated footage of the phone call that doubtless happened after the movie ended, which I imagine went something like this:
Wonder Woman:
Batman:
Wonder Woman:
Batman:
Wonder Woman:
Kay Batman, please resume your activities and leave Wonder Woman alone until Justice League. She never asked to share a comic book universe with you.
RELATED STORY
Follow Marie Claire on Facebook for the latest celeb news, beauty tips, fascinating reads, livestream video, and more.
-
Zendaya and Tom Holland Have Discussed Marriage, Source ClaimsBut right now they're busy with work.
-
Prince William Told Princess Charlotte's Favorite Joke, And I'm CacklingHelp, I have the sense of humor of an 8-year-old.
-
Benny Blanco Says He Had a 'Clueless' Moment Realizing He Was in Love With Selena GomezThe reference! The sweetness!
-
The Unstoppable Alia BhattBollywood’s silver-screen darling is both at the top of her game and just getting started.
-
The 30 Best Movies on Hulu Right NowFrom 'Fight Club' to '10 Things I Hate About You.'
-
Queen Elizabeth Has Passed Away at 96After a 70-year reign, the queen passed away at her home in Balmoral, Scotland.
-
The 50 Best '80s MoviesAn official roundup of the decade's standout films.
-
Elizabeth Lail and Dustin Milligan Compete in 'How Well Do You Know Your Co-Star?'The stars of 'Mack & Rita' could barely hold it together during a round of trivia.
-
Charli XCX Isn't Here to Appease AnyoneThe pop star talks authenticity, her new album, and taking care of herself while on tour.
-
What 'Femininity' Means in 2022Malala, Amanda Gorman, Priyanka Chopra Jonas, and more define the word on their own terms.
-
Will Smith Thought He Was Protecting His Wife. Instead, He Was Excusing Violence as “Love”As a Black woman and survivor of domestic violence, I was traumatized by Will Smith’s attack on Chris Rock.
