It could work for a Bradley Cooper time-travel flick or something Fault in Our Stars-sappy, but in *my* B-movie—the one in which I get an astrologer to act as my wardrobe adviser for a week, go on a death-defying and courageous (JK) journey of self-discovery, and end up not getting the guy—the tagline would be this: "If you could see the future, how would you dress for it?"
Spoiler: like a cloudy-brained, show-off-ish Scorpio with Libra as her rising sign, that's how.*
So yes, I enlisted astrologer Tracy Allen to interpret the positions of the stars and planets (WTF is a trine?) to give me some foresight for the week. Then I planned five days of outfits based on her advice, wore them on the assigned days, and recorded my experiences here. As a certain Snapchat self-help guru would say, "ride wit me" as I tell you all about my clothes and the feelings I had in them.
*But Mercury was in retrograde, so, like, it's totally not my fault.
I don't know who Tracy thinks she is, but...she had me pegged the moment I told her my birth date/time/location. Based on her reading of my chart, I'm an adventurous, outgoing dresser who cares about proportion and simultaneously looking weird and pretty. Hella accurate, which if you've seen this, you'll understand.
Tracy told me my Monday night would involve successful schmoozing, friendship, and being drawn into a conversation "with somebody you have a spark with"—so naturally, given the weird/pretty inclinations above, I thought it would be a good idea to pair the Snuffleupagus of sweaters with a Lincoln Log skirt.
I did have a decent time at a work-related event where there were people who were nice to me. But let's just say that, if there was a spark, it must have been so microscopic Tom Hanks wouldn't have been able to light a fire and make it back to civilization only to find that Helen Hunt had moved on. One star for knowing my style cold, another for that skirt, and a third for Tracy believing in me against all odds.
Tracy feared I'd be hyper-busy and clumsy today (what else is new?), so she advised me to dress comfortably and risk-aversely in case I fall off my proverbial feathered pumps and fracture my skull. I took that to mean "wear flat shoes" and "no more bondage in the workplace," which is how we arrived at this sparkly-dress two-for-one deal. Two stars for caring about my safety and two more for making it through a 14-hour day without incident.
Displaying her knowledge of the youths, Tracy predicted that I might drink too much tonight and act on impulse but feel confident and assertive while traveling to multiple locations to meet new people. Correct on all counts except the drunkenness, because I've been there, done that and written a story about it. At least my low heels and a velvet dress made being responsible darkly chic, if I do say so myself. One star for surpassing your astrologer's expectations, two for the Scandinavians, and two for being in bed by 2 a.m.
Activity du jour, according to Tracy: nesting. Sartorial theme du jour: Tribeca mom who went to Finland that one time. Three stars for uneventfulness.
Allegedly, this would not have been a bad day for a date, but I'm sure that if I hadn't camouflaged my, um, true personality so well during our phone call, Tracy would have been like "Nah. You should stay home. Forever." But her suggestion to go for a dreamy, ethereal look paid off, because just look at this new-season dress. One star for pockets and another for tassels on heel backs. Minus one star for peer pressure when you would rather remain one of the last Tinder virgins, jeez.
Casual Susan Miller-ing aside, I've never been one to rely on the guidance prescribed by some celestial geometry. Make your own luck, write your own destiny, blah blah, but even more than that, believe in your style. Would I have worn something different when the experiment ended had I known Day 5's events would happen the day after Day 5? Probably, but I wasn't thinking about anyone but me and what *I* wanted to look like then.
It's what I've been saying all along: Dress like no one's watching. Dress for the fun of it. Dress for the possibilities. Because even when you've got your own personal astrologer by your side, you never really know what's just around the corner. ✨
Hair and makeup: Nina Soriano, Photo: Tyler Joe
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