By Rich Santos
My friend from work, Austin, is responsible for the worst first call for a date I ever made. Since I am in the advertising business, I was lucky enough to get a gift certificate to a nice Mexican restaurant. Austin couldn't handle the fact that she didn't get one. So, I told her I'd treat her to dinner if she would set me up with any girl on her Facebook list that I picked out. She agreed.
The process of picking out a girl from her Facebook list was extremely painful. First of all, Austin does not like my constructive criticism. I often throw a compliment at her friends: "if this girl lost 7 pounds, she'd be absolutely gorgeous." How is that not a compliment? It's only 7 pounds. Not 20. Not 30. And, at least she has a chance to be gorgeous. I don't have that chance. I don't get to lose only 7 pounds and be gorgeous. One girl in my office actually said: "I'd rather be told to lose 30 pounds than 7". I guess I should just stay away from weight.
Me: "Did you know that the Chesapeake Bay is the largest freshwater estuary in the world?"
Austin: "Wait, are you calling me FAT?"
Another issue with the Facebook process was that all my choices got shot down. Apparently, every cute girl on Austin's Facebook is "crazy." Why would someone even have someone crazy on their Facebook anyway? Ok, so all the cute girls are "crazy". I have no hope. Oh, and the other one: "Oh my god. How could you pick her out? She's still in college. She's just a little baby." Sure enough: Washington & Lee College, Class of '08. This is an attractive stat in my book. Apparently, once girls are out of college they forget all the "little baby" things they did with guys and alcohol.
We came to an impasse with me picking out a girl, so we were lucky when I met a cute one at a party one night. I didn't get her number but through Austin, I was able to convey I wanted to take her out and she should send her number along if she was interested.
The girl in question, Connor, had a few red flags. She already stated in her email with her number to her friend that she had been "very busy lately" since she had just started work as a broker. The book on her was also that she was getting obsessed with her job, and way too into it. Not the best match for a guy who wants to be a rock star, but oh well.
I called her around 6:18 PM on a Tuesday and the call went as follows:
Rich: "Hi Connor, it's Rich from Saturday night."
Connor: "I..I..I can't talk right now."
Rich: "Oh, I'm sorry, should—"
Getting hung up on after saying who you are has got to be as low as it can get. Turns out that Connor was at a "client dinner" and didn't have time to talk. Why she picked up the phone at this dinner was beyond me. Ok, maybe all the cute girls that Austin knows are crazy.
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