What Do You Like on a Guy Better? Boxer Shorts or Boxer Briefs?

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I've learned that girls

notice what you're wearing, especially when you're not wearing much. One time I was making out with a girl

in my boxers and socks—well they were my "old man black work socks" that I had

worn with my business casual work outfit. I was entirely too lazy to take these socks off and proceeded to make

out with the girl with no shirt on, but in boxers and the work socks—the look

popularized by the grandfather in Sixteen Candles

when Sam first sees him in the movie. After a few minutes, the girl I was

with said: "can you please take those socks off, it's just a terrible look." I really wasn't that into her, so I

refused. We never spoke again

after that night.

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With their snug fit, boxer

briefs exist comfortably with any pants. But it's sad that I'm too fat to wear

them. So, I've continued to wear

the kind of underwear I've always worn: boxer shorts. But is my allegiance to boxer shorts making me look un-sexy

when I have amorous moments in the bedroom?

Graduation from college

was to my beer gut like the Big Bang was to the Universe: like the universe, my beer gut has been

forever expanding. I know better

than to think I can wear a pair of boxer-briefs topped off with tight

elastic. The first time I realized

this was when the elastic from the boxer-briefs I tried to wear eroded a

temporary dent into my gut and left a red mark all the way around it. The models that sell boxer briefs have

perfect washboard six-packs. If I

try to pull off this look, it will just make my gut spill over the elastic—and

I'll look terrible when I take my pants off during an amorous moment. OK, so I must earn the right to wear

the boxer-briefs—just like those women in those weight loss commercials that

exclaim: "now, I can wear whatever I want."

So, that leaves boxer

shorts as my underwear of choice. But there are a few problems in using them as my go-to underwear. Let's examine them:

1. The Patterns

Why do boxer short

designers feel compelled to cover the boxer shorts with the most random objects

in the world? A closer look at my

boxer short inventory revealed the following patterns:

Blue Monkeys

Blue Lobsters

Turkeys (cartoon turkeys,

not ornithologically-correct turkeys)

Stars

Snowmen

Baltimore Ravens Logos

Howling wolves separated

by pine trees

Mistletoe

Marlin captured mid-leap

out of the water

Blue octopi against a pink

background (cartoon octopi luckily)

Four leaf clovers

I may be wrong but these

prints don't really seem like they are capable of sealing the deal.

2. The Muffin Top

A muffin top is the

distant cousin to the wedgie. When

boxers ride up, they bunch up at the top and then spill over the top of your

pants. You may have read about my "Abusive

Boyfriend Jeans"—the trendy tight ones I've finally figured out how to wear—in

an earlier post. These jeans do

NOT get along with boxer shorts, so when I wear them with boxer shorts the two

garments wrestle with one another constricting my legs, pushing up a muffin

top. In high school, muffin tops

were cool. I gave a quick thought

to selecting boxers that would look good as muffin tops but, at my age, I don't

think girls want to see a muffin top poking out of jeans.

Now, there are a few good

things about boxer shorts: they

say that the looser fit lets the body manufacture more healthy sperm. Also, importantly, boxer shorts don't

make me look as fat as boxer-briefs make me look. So, I'm just going to assume that while dressing to impress

I will never be comfortable. Some

day I'll have a six pack and I'll break out the boxer-briefs: my V-thing and six-pack will just sit

there over the top of my jeans with no muffin top. The nice, tight boxer-brief will fit snug under any pants I

wear. But until then, boxer shorts

it is.

But what are your

thoughts? Can a guy ever look sexy

in a pair of goofy boxers? Should

a guy without great abs avoid squeezing into boxer-briefs? Do you guys notice what your man has on

(before it's off) in bed like the girl who tried to put the kabash on my black

old manwork socks? Are boxer shorts our version of your granny panties?

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