Don't ever expect to find the love of your life after a one-night stand or random make-out. These events are phenomena where everything seems magical and then suddenly shuts off — much like Cinderella loses her game at midnight.
But it happens to the best of us. So here are some do's and don'ts for not only keeping the morning-after awkwardness to a minimum, but also keeping it as smooth and as painless as possible:
Do not linger in bed hungover. I'm foul when I'm hungover, so I am sure others are too. You can't contaminate someone's bed with that. Do everything you can to get home and fester in your own bed. People have things to do over the weekend. I've had friends actually complain about their serious girlfriends staying in their bed hungover too long!
Do pay attention to when the magic is over. The strangest thing about the random encounter is that point somewhere in the wee hours of the morning where the magic wears off. Maybe it's when those first birds start chirping and the reality of the event has set in. Or maybe it's when you're lying next to random make-out person with morning breath. When the magic's over, it's time to go.
Do not call/text your friends in bed. Not only does this log more hours for you in the bed, but it's rude to just start contacting others while you're both lying there. Talk about my terrible lovemaking skills when I'm not next to you!
Do make a fast getaway. I've never heard a guy or girl complain that someone left too fast, but I have heard both guys and girls complain that someone stuck around too long.
Do not look around the room too much. You might find a picture of a girlfriend ... or something worse.
Do turn on the TV, immediately upon waking up. If you're too hungover or stunned to get up, pray that they have a TV in the bedroom and — if your prayers are answered — turn that sucker on. It provides a distraction, and may just spark up conversation in an otherwise awkward environment.
Do not create a morning clothing hunt. This is tough to do in the heat of the moment, but just remember that when you fling your bra into the rafters and other articles of clothing become entwined in the bed sheets, you will have to spend several agonizing minutes gathering everything up in the morning.
Do not go on a breakfast date. It's a shame that these random encounters should end quickly, with no fanfare. But if you do go to breakfast, you both better be sure you're kind of into each other. The majority of these things don't end with breakfast, so that one that does might unfairly set expectations for a follow-up date when there are no intentions.
Do make fun of your now shabby outfit. So your sequined dress, six-inch stilettos, and runny mascara may cause a stir when you walk out of his house and past the neighborhood church at 9 a.m. on Sunday, but what else can you do but laugh at yourself and ease the pain with some self-deprecation? It's much more endearing if you laugh it off instead of trying to take yourself seriously.
Do not take my shirts. I've washed and worn these shirts to perfect softness, and they all have some meaning to me. And how do girls have a knack for stealing my favorite clothes anyway?
Do try to find some closure. Be realistic. You can exchange numbers, but don't try to set times for when you guys will speak again. Does anything really grow out of random nights spent with random people? Give each other a hug, wish each other well, and don't say anything about calling, and don't believe him when he mutters that he will call you. If one of you calls the other later, then cross that bridge when you come to it.
Do expect him to get you at least to the door. He should take you all the way out of the bed, out of the apartment/house, and to the vehicle you are taking to get home. It's just common courtesy. If he doesn't, wait until you are out of his bed and then get on your cell and bitch about him to your friends.
The main thing about random hookups is managing expectations. If you can do it with a sense of humor, high efficiency, and low expectations, you can usually emerge unscathed.
Do you agree or disagree with these rules? What rules would you add to this list?