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Help Me: Why Do I Always Go For Unavailable Girls?

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Help Me: Why Do I Always Go For Unavailable Girls?

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The other day I was telling a friend about my three favorite girls in Manhattan. The countdown is:


#3 A cute waitress at The Bowery Bar
#2 The bartender at The Village Pourhouse
#1 A friend who I only get to hang out with once in a while in group


Upon looking at that list, I noticed a few sad things:

  • I have never talked to two of those girls
  • I don’t even know two of those girls’ names
  • The one girl I do talk to, I get along with great—and she flirts with me—but she has a boyfriend

The Bowery Bar Where The Hot Waitress Works

 

The net of this is that there is no hope to get even one date with any of these girls. Is it just a coincidence that my three favorite girls in Manhattan are all impossible to date at the moment, or am I purposely longing for unavailable girls?

There are some major problems in the way I react to situations when things come easily. Whenever I find out a girl is interested in me, it chips away at my interest. I’m happy to go on dates with girls who ask me out, but I’m just not accustomed to a drama-less, easy experience.

The other problem I have is that I lose interest when I hear things like

“I have the best girl for you and she is soooooo single!


Being single should be a requirement for girls that I am interested in, but it’s not.

Instead, I tend to go for girls with boyfriends, girls who live far away, girls who my friends don’t think are a match for me (sometimes even I know this, but I keep trying for these girls).

Am I suffering from Romantic Comedy Syndrome? Romantic comedies have taught me that happiness in a relationship usually comes with some kind of suffering or adversity. Do I need to find someone in a coma, or get picked up by some rich dream girl who makes me over...after purchasing me for gigolo services? Sorry, I haven’t watched any romantic comedies since the '90’s. But you get my point.

Pretty Woman

 

This against-all-odds mentality is what I’ve been working with lately. If a girl is available and there are no extenuating circumstances then there is no drama and I usually don’t pursue it. If the girl is unavailable: has a boyfriend, lives in another city, has no connection to me—usually I haven’t even talked to these girls, I just know of them—then I am intrigued.

Lately, I’ve been a sounding board for girls who are disgruntled with their boyfriends. So, things tend to move toward romance as I listen to these girls talk about guys who have cheated on them or who are boring them. I know I should keep a certain distance while trying to help, but it gets really hard sometimes.

I am a hardened therapy veteran. I’ve been through it all. One of the theories posed by one of plethora of therapists is that I have a fear of success. This self-defeating behavior is crippling in so many ways: relationships, work, personal growth. It causes me to shy away from things that might work out because I feel that if I don’t make an effort than I have a built in excuse for not succeeding. Most of the girls I take an interest in are full of built-in excuses that will prevent me from going out with them and also not hurt my pride: “hey she was unavailable anyway”.

So why do you think I’m doing this? Do you think that I am just not ready to make a commitment, and not ready for a relationship so I satisfy my instinct to go for girls by treading water towards unavailable girls? Am I afraid of what might happen if something actually works out? Or do you think that I truly just want a major challenge before I start dating someone? Do any of you find yourselves only going for unavailable guys? Have you ever gotten close to a guy who has a girlfriend after starting out as their sounding board to vent about that girlfriend? How do you handle this situation when it happens?

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