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How Do Threesomes Happen?

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How Do Threesomes Happen?

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Is a threesome something that you just fall into and let take you for a ride? Or is it something that requires long-term work and persuasion—like a political campaign?

Neither of my “chances” for a threesome really worked out:

One time we were hosting a party and two girls who didn’t seem to know anyone showed up. They were in the kitchen with us riling us up by telling us that they kissed from time to time. We tried the oldest one in the book: reverse psychology (which historically never worked)

“Yeah, right. You guys don’t kiss. No way. You’re all talk.”

That’s all it took. Before we knew it, the girls were kissing. The kitchen fell silent and someone switched off the lights. My friend and I moved in for a closer, almost scientific look. We orbited the girls and craned our necks to get every last angle of the kiss like two paleontologists examining every nook and cranny of a fossil.

Fossil

At this moment, everything I’d ever dreamed of seemed possible...until my uncoordinated brutish friend Bryan decided that it was time for everyone to go out to the bars. He came barreling into the kitchen:

“Ok, everyone time to go, let’s go!” He stated it with the urgency and burley anger of a bouncer closing down the bar. He also switched on the light. The girls looked like they snapped out of whatever trance they were in.

My fellow paleontologist friend tried his best:

“Ok girls, I guess all that’s left to do now is for all of us to go upstairs and get naked.”
“Um, no.” I guess they had had enough.

The whole ordeal earned my friend Bryan the nickname “Albino Moose”. I told him that he had ruined a moment. During the kiss, in the silence of the dark kitchen, my friend and I were like two entomologists who had just discovered a new species of butterfly daintily sitting on a leaf in the forest. We wanted to catch the butterfly in our nets, study it, experience it. And, just as we were about to snare the butterfly a gigantic ignorant moose came trampling through and made the butterfly fly away. My friend Bryan is opaquely white, so he wasn’t just a moose. He was an Albino Moose.

Albino Moose

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

People who ruin threesomes deserve bad nicknames. But my other “chance”—and I don’t think this was even a chance—was ruined by me.

I met a girl and her roommate in a bar and we began sharing a fishbowl—the ultimate symbol of camaraderie. We decided to head back to their apartment and on the way out I mentioned to my friend: “I’m just going to go for it: threesome”.

He looked at me full of hope, like the wife of an American pioneer about to set off for the wild west—determined to make a better life for his family. Back at the girls’ apartment, I tried the old “you don’t get anywhere unless you ask”. I lied down on the couch, '70’s porn star style and said:

“OK girls, time for you all to make out in front of me.”
“Actually, no. Now we want you to leave.”

OK, so that didn’t work. I probably ruined my chance to even be with one of them, but I got in my mind that I had a chance for a threesome. And, like any good gambler, if even the slightest chance is there—you go for the big prize instead of the safe one. But often, you walk away empty handed.

It seems like I just want to do it to tell my friends a threesome story. I’d be nervous to try one with a serious girlfriend. I’d be worried that she liked being with the girl better—after all, a girl should know better than a guy how to touch another girl, right? I’d feel like if I touched another girl other than my girlfriend that the residual guilt and memory would eventually catch up with both of us and would cause a rift in our relationship.

So, if I even got to do it, I’m not sure if it’s all about the actual threesome, or the idea of a threesome and telling my buddies. Maybe I’m just lazy and want to watch two girls together from the comfort of the couch.

Have any of you ever tried it? What seems easier—doing it with a boyfriend/husband, or more of a guy you’re having fun with that’s not serious? Do you have any funny stories about guys or friends trying to get you to do it?

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