13 Things Only Bottle Blondes Understand

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(Image credit: Getty Images/Design by Dana Tepper)

published 4 May 2016

1. The love-hate relationship you have with your roots.

Just as you're starting to embrace your cool-girl regrowth, you wake up one morning and realize things have gone about a centimeter too far. Never again.

2. Bankrupting yourself to keep up with Gwen Stefani.

More peroxide, more problems.

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3. The endless hair shaming.

From your mother to your hairdresser to Becky with the Good Hair, you never stop hearing the end of it about what those chemicals are doing to your poor, naturally-dishwater-squirrel-brown strands. How many different ways can you say IDGAF?

4. TFW when you leave the salon after a touch-up.

Queen Bey and Nicki Minaj's "Feeling Myself" doesn't even begin to cover it.

5. The just-bleached frizz.

For better or for worse, going blonde will inevitably damage the hair and thus change the texture i.e. make it rougher, drier, and more prone to frizz. Oh well.

6. The "Have you ever thought about going darker?" question.

That's the modern day equivalent of having asked Marilyn Monroe to go back to Norma Jeane. Girl, bye.

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7. Religiously using color-safe products.

Because brass becomes no one, we would sooner shave one eyebrow than let our strands near sulfates. Also: Blue and purple shampoos are 🔑

8. Hiding from the sun.

Our precious roots are just as vulnerable to evil UV rays as our skin! Attention must be paid by way of wearing hats and perpetually seeking shade. Otherwise, your blonde will be fifty shades of faded.

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9. Being afraid of water.

And I'm not just talking chlorinated water, I'm talking the stuff that comes out of your shower head as the majority of processed color is lost by simply rinsing it. Ah, the high stakes of hygiene.

10. The tumble weeds of breakage that form every time you brush your hair.

Making it rain dead ends just comes with the territory, you know?

11. The side-eye you get from natural blondes.

#SorryNotSorry.

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12. Having your blonde change drastically with each Instagram filter.

For the love of Valencia, please don't pull any of that X-Pro II sh*t.

13. People writing you off as just another dumb blonde.

In the sacred words of Hoku, that's not me no, no.

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Lauren Valenti is Vogue’s former senior beauty editor. Her work has also appeared on ELLE.com, MarieClaire.com, and in In Style. She graduated with a liberal arts degree from Eugene Lang College, The New School for Liberal Arts, with a concentration on Culture and Media Studies and a minor in Journalism.