A friend of a friend has called his ex-girlfriend six times since she broke up with him. I told my friend to bestow my breaking up advice on him. Whether you want someone back or not, if you follow the rules below, you will maintain your dignity, maybe win the person back, or eventually get over them:
Ride Off Into The Sunset
In college I took a class called "American Western Movies (opens in new tab)". Give me a break, ok? It was summer session. But this class did teach me something. I learned I wanted to be a cowboy. They are so cool, collect, never play their hand, never look rattled, and they are always confident.
One thing they all did was ride off as the sun set on the horizon after their business was done.
Riding off into the sunset keeps our dignity. When a girl breaks up with me, I will say:
"OK, it was great getting to know you over the past (insert length of time).
You take care."
My business is done.
Then, I will figuratively ride off into the sunset. I won't tell her how much I miss her. I won't tell her she made a mistake. I won't call, email or text. I won't mention her to mutual friends. I'll be gone from her life.
Suddenly, it will dawn on the girl that she is not getting her money's worth for this breakup. It is true: people who do the breaking up have an air of power to them. They like being the decision maker, and having the control. But after I walk away like it's no problem, she'll start to think:
"Wow, why isn't he shaken up over this?
Did he even care that I broke up with him?"
Or even better, the ever-popular and coveted:
"Did I do the right thing breaking up with him?"
That's when you know you're in business.
Apply the Wizard of Oz Effect
Of course, most likely, we are in total pain and anguish after a break up. But, we can't let that show. Remember:
"Pay no mind to that man behind the curtain?"
We can, behind the curtain, cry, complain, bitch, yell, be angry, and hurt. But, we must craft the appearance on the outside of being fine with everything. We need to look happy on the outside to the other person 100% of the time we see them post-breakup (opens in new tab).
This also gives the illusion that you might be seeing someone else, or that you've got other things going on. Of course you're miserable and there's NOTHING going on in your life, but they don't have to know it!
Enact the Verb in "
Get rid of all evidence of them. Put it all in a closet, under your bed, or anywhere. I'm a sucker for a strand of hair or her shampoo smell left on a pillow after a girl is over. If broken up with, this must go: wash the sheets! Remember in breaking up, think of it like a guillotine—make it fast:
On a guillotine, you'd rather have a sharp blade slice your head right off than a blunt blade repeatedly cut and cut until finally your head finally fell off.
If it's a break up they want, make it clean for them. It will look good, and it will be easier on you. Flush them right out of your life immediately, and completely.
Don't Look Back
It's hard to accomplish this. We know not to look back, just like we know not to look down when someone says don't look down...but we still look down. But, make it easy on yourself: looking back and saying stuff like:
"Gosh, just two weeks ago, we were out to dinner and she stayed over here and we were so close..."
...will just make it more painful. You can't look back until it's time to look back—when you're truly over it.
Remember You'll Get Over It
The best thing about breaking up is those following mornings you wake up after you've truly gotten over someone (opens in new tab). You're renewed, alive, and ready to see what the world has to offer. Keep pushing through for this feeling, remember all those people you thought you'd never get over (you know you ended up getting over them), and as Jim Morrison once crooned: "break on through to the other side!"
Well I don't know about you, but after going through all that, I'm inspired to get dumped!
So, do you agree with these rules? Do you have any nightmare breakup stories? If a guy you dumped followed these rules, would you start reconsidering? Would you be annoyed if you dumped a guy and he didn't get upset?
The Best Skincare Routine for Acne, According to Dermatologists
Every product to include in your morning and nighttime regimen.
By Samantha Holender
Demi Lovato Put a Curly Spin on Her Mullet
So much shaggy hair inspo.
By Samantha Holender
The Best Korean Movies on Netflix Now
See you guys never.
By Quinci LeGardye
The 50 Best Vibrators, According to Sex Toy Experts
The most trusted source in feelin' yourself.
By Alanna Greco
The 16 Best Sex Games to Spice Up Date Night With
Game night, but make it hot.
By The Editors
COVID Forced My Polyamorous Marriage to Become Monogamous
For Melanie LaForce, pandemic-induced social distancing guidelines meant she could no longer see men outside of her marriage. But monogamy didn't just change her relationship with her husband—it changed her relationship with herself.
By Melanie LaForce
Four Flirting Fun Facts--With Research to Back Them Up!
My pal Judy Dutton just wrote an excellent new book: How We Do It: How the Science of Sex Can Make You a Better Lover. She's chatted with me about the psychological studies that show how best to flirt; what kind of pick-up lines work best; and what you're really saying with your body language.
By Maura Kelly
100 Sex Songs That Won't Make You Cringe
Dim the lights and hit play on this sex songs — the perfect playlist of songs to have sex to.
By The Editors
75 Movie Sex Scenes That Are 100 Percent Real
These actors aren't faking anything.
By Mehera Bonner
How the pandemic has mutated our most personal disunions.
By Gretchen Voss
33 Unexpected Valentine's Day 2022 Date Ideas
A.k.a. not dinner and roses.
By The Editors