Conventional wisdom tells us it is best to avoid conflict in a relationship. After all, arguments tend to bring out our least appealing qualities: pettiness, hostility, and indifference, just to name a few. But disagreements are inevitable. The temperature of the bedroom at night, the cap on the toothpaste, and how long the in-laws are staying are all potential minefields. But not all conflicts are bad. There is evidence that arguing can be good for a relationship; the key is how you argue. As long as you show respect and that you appreciate how the other person feels, conflicts will not damage your relationship. They might even bring you closer. If you are not on the same page about an issue, resist the temptation to be dismissive or hostile, which can send a crystal-clear message that you don’t care. Making the effort to understand people’s perspectives shows them
that their point of view matters and that they are important to you.
So instead of avoiding disagreements, aim for courteous conflict instead. Adam Grant, professor of management and psychology at the Wharton School of the University
of Pennsylvania, offered the following blueprint
in The New York Times:
1. “Frame the argument as a debate rather than a conflict.”
2. “Argue as if you’re right, but listen as if you’re wrong.”
3. Give the benefit of the doubt: “Make the most respectful interpretation of the other person’s perspective.”
4. “Acknowledge where you agree with your critics and what you’ve learned from them.”
You cannot agree on everything, but as long as you respect each other and communicate effectively, your relationship can not only survive disagreements but thrive working through them. Remember, love is respect.
Dr. Samantha Boardman is a clinical instructor in psychiatry and an assistant attending psychiatrist at Weill Cornell Medical College in New York and the founder of positiveprescription.com.
This article originally appeared in the February 2020 issue of Marie Claire.
RELATED STORY
-
The Queen Will Spend Her Reign's 70th Anniversary at a Sandringham Cottage for This Heartbreaking ReasonIt’s a tribute to both her late father and her late husband.
-
Prince William Is No Longer “Reluctant” to Become King, Says Expert
The idea of taking the throne used to weigh on him, but he’s “accepted” his role now.
-
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's Wedding Day Chemistry Gave “Goosebumps” to a Reporter Covering It
"It's really clear they were deeply in love with each other."
-
71 Fun Date Ideas for 2022
Skip the old "dinner and a movie" for something original.
-
The 26 Hottest Porn Websites for Women on the Internet
All the best websites, right this way.
-
COVID Forced My Polyamorous Marriage to Become Monogamous
For Melanie LaForce, pandemic-induced social distancing guidelines meant she could no longer see men outside of her marriage. But monogamy didn't just change her relationship with her husband—it changed her relationship with herself.
-
COVID Uncoupling
How the pandemic has mutated our most personal disunions.
-
16 At-Home Date Ideas When You're Stuck Indoors
Staying in doesn't have to be boring.
-
Long Distance Relationship Gift Ideas for Couples Who've Made It This Far
Alexa, play "A Thousand Miles."
-
15 Couples on How 2020 Rocked Their Relationship
Couples confessed to Marie Claire how this year's many multi-stressors tested the limits of their love.
-
I Escaped My Abuser. He Found Me Through My Computer.
After more than a year of abuse at the hands of her then-fiancé, Jaél de Pardo, eight months pregnant, fled the apartment they shared. She was living in secret...until he tracked her.
