What Not to Say After a One-Night Stand

The "stupid statement" is usually a result of not thinking long enough before speaking. In addition to this, timing plays a role. The morning after is a sensitive time, especially after a one-night stand. I once had a once night stand...

The "stupid statement" is a result of not thinking before speaking. In addition to this, timing plays a role. The morning after is a sensitive time, especially after a one-night stand. 

I once had a one-night stand with a friend from high school after years of sexual tension. It was a complicated situation. She actually lived in a different state at the time, so things were up in the air. 

I guess, the next day, there's no right thing to do per se, but there are plenty of wrong things to say. Personally, I think both parties in this situation need time to think and exhale. What I did was the worst possible thing.

Of course, with time alone to worry in the aftermath (based on the fact that we used no protection), I mentally reviewed the scores of viruses and microorganisms that might be replicating in (or on) me. I didn't think my friend was promiscuous, but at this point, my imagination was punishing me for experiencing any sense of pleasure or success (man, I'm messed up). 

I figured I should get tested, but I came up with a harebrained "shortcut." Because this girl was my friend, maybe I could ask her when she was last tested. If it was within the past couple of months, I'd simply confirm with her that her results were negative. That would spare me having to go in to get tested myself.

Not a very good idea, but instead of talking myself out of it, I talked myself into it: Hey, it's the hip and modern thing to do. Be open, honest, and up-front about it.We're friends, so she won't mind if I ask, right?

So, the morning after, I called my friend, and at first it seemed like I was breaking the mold in a good way. She was relieved and happy to hear my voice on the other end of the phone. Perhaps I was calling to make sure she was okay, or to chat and get on the same page?

Well, not only did I ask my dumb question, but I delivered it incorrectly. Instead of asking her the last time she was tested, I asked: "Do I need to get tested?"

There was an agonizing period of silence on the line.

Then, in that really scary tone women get — a mixture of my mom at the end of her rope, all my scariest teachers at their most disappointed moments, and a tiny twist of my older sister's cruelty — my friend said: "I can't believe you just asked me that."

At that moment, I knew I had made a major mistake.

I don't remember much more of the conversation, but I know we haven't spoken since that call. In fact, my buddy and I were at a reunion recently and he chatted with her, mentioning that I was in attendance. She did not seek me out, but instead instructed him to "tell Rich I said hi." Ouch.

In the aftermath of my mistakes, I brainstorm ways I could have avoided these mistakes. Clearly, I was not thinking correctly about the ramifications of my question.

Most of my good buddies are more practical and sensible than me (although that's not too hard to accomplish). They've always been there for me to teach me such obvious lessons as: Stop going to random ATMs because those $2 fees add up.

I should have asked a sane friend if my question was a good idea, because my friends universally couldn't believe I asked this girl this question the morning after. And I should realize that when I have to talk myself into something, it's usually a bad idea.

The question implies that I think the girl is promiscuous. If I'm worried about STDs, I should just get tested. Who knows if anyone is ever honest about their results when they are asked anyway? And, the following day is too sensitive for this discussion.

What's the worst thing you said to a guy the morning after, and what's the worst thing a guy has said to you the morning after? Have you heard worse ones than mine? I think mine might rank pretty high 

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