
The Great Fake-Out
Marisa Meltzer doesn't mind giving a performance in bed:
Years ago, I dated a guy who turned me on completely. Orgasms, however, were another story. An hour would pass and we'd both be exhausted. And that's when I started to fake it.
Orgasms with a partner take time, patience, and valiant effort. I genuinely come about one-third of the time. Most guys I've been with—from one-off Tinder flings to serious boyfriends—will pull out all the tricks in their arsenal, but they ultimately seem freaked out when it takes longer than expected. I get bored; I worry that they're getting bored; the moment is lost.
But they're trying so hard that I feel I owe them a performance. (And sometimes they won't stop, or feel like they shouldn't, until I come.) I always think it's subtle enough to pass; I take what already feels good and amplify it. I breathe a little more loudly, make some satisfied noises, and bring it all to a crescendo.
I'd always prided myself on putting on a convincing show until a guy called me out. That night he was doing something new; it felt nice, but I faked it, as usual. "Next time maybe you'll enjoy it for real," he said. Thank God it was dark or he would have seen my face turn bright red.
That could have been a "teachable moment" to tell him that I'm not an orgasm machine. Or I should have vowed to be more honest. Faking it feels like a naughty habit, like sneaking the occasional cigarette. It probably makes the guys I'm with think they're better in bed than they are—which isn't doing anyone any favors. But mostly, I'm cheating myself.
Maybe it'll happen sooner than I think. Recently I was giving the requisite oohs and aahs with a guy when I realized I was really enjoying myself. Like, into it into it. And from faking an orgasm came, well, a real one.
Bibi Deitz on why honesty is the only policy:
I faked an orgasm a couple of times with my first boyfriend, in high school. I'd had enough, but I was afraid to say so. I just wrapped it up with a few moans and gasps, some overly excited body language, and a languid smile afterward. He never seemed to know the difference—but I felt empty. Pretending was the same as lying, so after that, I committed to never fake again.
It takes me a long time to climax. Someone has to really know my body. I need tons of foreplay and clitoral stimulation. But if I am distracted, or tired, or any litany of issues that might get in the way of climaxing—that's OK. I need a partner who understands that sex is not just about mutual orgasms. It's also about intimacy, about connection. And if it's a late-night booty call and ongoing closeness isn't part of the equation, there's no reason to let my partner think he's gotten me to some epically charged place when he hasn't.
This means I have to tell my partner what I want and need. There's no out. I have to communicate—a little to the left, faster, deeper. I've shown men precisely how I want to be touched. If I were down with feigning an orgasm here and there, I probably wouldn't be so intent on helping my partners get it right. But since no man will ever see me come unless it's real, it's on me to ensure my partner knows how good it feels—or not—all of the time.
This article appears in the May issue of Marie Claire, on newsstands now.
You should also check out:
Earth-Shattering Answers to All Your Orgasm Questions
Marie Claire Newsletter
Celebrity news, beauty, fashion advice, and fascinating features, delivered straight to your inbox!
-
The Anthropologie Black Friday Sale Feels Like Stealing
Some of these sales are so good, the mind reels.
By Alicia Lutes
-
Chrissy Teigen and Daughter Luna's Hairstyling Bonding Moment Is the Cutest Thing
The Legend girls are big fans of the Dyson Airwrap.
By Sophia Vilensky
-
Dolly Parton’s Cheerleader Glam Was the Highlight of Thanksgiving Game Day
We know exactly who won this one.
By Sophia Vilensky
-
The 22 Best Vibrators, According to Sex Toy Experts
The vibes are immaculate.
By Gabrielle Ulubay
-
The Best Period Sex Tips, According to Sex Experts
Who says messy can't be sexy?
By Gabrielle Ulubay
-
The 20 Best Sex Games for Couples in 2023
Who said game nights need to be wholesome?
By Gabrielle Ulubay
-
The 14 Best Lubes for Every Need
Good sex should always go smoothly.
By Gabrielle Ulubay
-
COVID Forced My Polyamorous Marriage to Become Monogamous
For Melanie LaForce, pandemic-induced social distancing guidelines meant she could no longer see men outside of her marriage. But monogamy didn't just change her relationship with her husband—it changed her relationship with herself.
By Melanie LaForce
-
100 Sex Songs That Won't Make You Cringe
Dim the lights and hit play on this sex songs — the perfect playlist of songs to have sex to.
By The Editors
-
75 Real Sex Scenes in Movies
These actors aren't faking anything.
By Mehera Bonner
-
33 Unexpected Valentine's Day 2023 Date Ideas
A.k.a. not dinner and roses.
By The Editors