I've had a bit of experience in getting guys to break up with me. It's just so much easier that way. Like that time in junior year of high school when I was dating this guy from one town over. At first, everything was great. Towards the end, I realized I really didn't like him. Like, at all. The challenge? I was ready to end it but he hadn't done anything to merit a breakup—how could I tell him that I literally couldn't stand to be around him and that even when he was being super sweet he was tap-dancing on my very last nerve?
So instead of being the bigger woman, I thought of some tricky ways to convince him to end the relationship. I shared them with friends, they sprouted new techniques, and here, years later, I share the wealth of my knowledge with you. Use it wisely.
(Caveat emptor: Going through all this may *seem* like the easy way out, but you're probably better off sucking it up, calling it off the adult way, and keeping your dignity in tact. But, you know, sometimes we're lazy. So.)
Inception him into believing you don't deserve him
Over the course of your couple life, slowly start to sprinkle in mentions about how he's "too good" for you. Then have a "talk" about it one day. He'll probably try to convince you that you're perfect (which you already know) but continue to push and eventually he will realize that a breakup is not only a good idea but also one that—right, of course—he wanted in the first place.
Give him the cold text-shoulder
The majority of communication between partners is over text, let's be honest. So going MIA on your text relationship is one step towards the real deal. You've probably already stopped jumping at your phone every time his name appears on your screen anyway, but instead of forcing yourself to reply, let the message simmer. After a heated confrontation about your lack of contact followed by sheer apathy on your part, he will get frustrated enough to bow out.
Talk about your exes—a lot
They say one of the worst things to do on a first date is talk about your ex. But it works like a charm later on. Slip in references casually, like, "Oh my god! John, you know, my ex, used to love this movie! We watched it all the time." Super annoying and super effective—this is probably the most *blatant* way of ripping off the bandaid.
Stop getting pretty
Drake once told us that "hair tied, sweatpants, chillin' with no makeup on" was the prettiest he had seen his girl, but I bet he wasn't prepared for a total slob. Drop ALL the niceties immediately. I'm talking third-day makeup, unkempt hair, and pizza sauce on your nightshirt when he comes over. If you're in a long-term relationship, this may already be the case so you'll really have to up the ante. He'll try to understand for a while but the nastier you get, the faster the breakup will happen. Godspeed.
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