7 Things That Happen When You Get Drunk on Drake's Whiskey

Started from the bottom and now we're sobbing on the couch.

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Drake just gifted the world Virginia Black Whiskey, a bottle of alcohol and liquid emotions which I drank last friday night. In the words of Katy Perry, who has nothing to do with this article, "Yeah we danced on tabletops, and we took too many shots, think we kissed but I forgot." ***

***Literally none of that happened.

Debuting an alcoholic beverage is somewhat of a rite of passage for rappers—at least in the year 1995, which I assume it currently is given all the chokers I'm dealing with—and to truly put this whiskey to the test, I decided to see how it would elevate a perfectly ordinary (read: deeply boring) night in my apartment. So instead of brown bagging it and heading out, I spent the evening watching Degrassi and attempted to make a live-timeline of Liquid Drake's influence on my life. 

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But first, some STATS.

What does Drake's whiskey look like IRL?

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As you can see from this extremely professional video of Drake's whiskey next to my face, it's a pretty good sized bottle that radiates light like a beautiful angel. Regrettably, the top is made of plastic rather than metal, which definitely takes away from the classy vibes. 

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What does Drake's whiskey taste like?

My whiskey connoisseur friend: "I actually think it's rather smokey, almost like a scotch, but still smooth." 

Me: "I taste nothing but the the distant promise of my own emptiness later tonight." 

9:00 p.m. = 2 Shots

My Friday night has commenced in the best possible way: by watching Mrs. Fisher's Murder Mysteries and wondering why I don't live in Victorian England as a fashionable sleuth. Would Drake make a good detective y/n?

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9:30 p.m. = Another shot

Remember Pogs? I called a "game store" to see if they sell them, but apparently the answer is no because it's secretly not 1995. Also the man on the phone called me "ma'am," which I do not appreciate. Anyway, I have no choice to create my own Pogs out of Settlers of Catan tiles. 

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^Update: This failed.

10:00 p.m. = Holding steady at 3 shots

I am watching a YouTube video of a small child watching The Lion King. Both of us are crying. Mufasa is dead, and there's nothing any of us can do to bring him back. Might as well put Drake on this picture. RIP, Mufasa.

10:30 p.m. = Another shot

I tried to listen to Views on Spotify, but got confused and ended up listening to half a Nick Drake album instead. So I put a Drake on it and considered this a win. Because if you like it then you better put a Drake on it, ha ha ha ha.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. 

11:00 p.m. = Mass amounts of pasta

Am watching Degrassi like a true patriot. Right now, Drake can't get an erection and he's like "I can't even make love to you," and then he's like "I have to turn into some sex robot!" and I'm just all 😭 😭 😭 . 

::drinks more whiskey::

Flavor update: Drake's whiskey is starting to taste less like alcohol and more like actual tears. 

11:30 p.m. = Another shot

Tried to swap faces with Drake's whiskey but Snapchat wouldn't let me, even after I did this:

Also, remember to look up tomorrow: Did Thackery Binx make it out of Hocus Pocus alive? Or was he always dead because he was a ghost cat?

^Important note I appear to have written down.

12:00 a.m. = Another shot, for a grand total of 6 shots

After getting intimate with half a bottle of this whiskey and being fully #DrunkOnDrake, I've come to several realizations: 

  1. Honestly, Pogs should still be a thing and it's up to we, the people, to bring them back.
  2.  Drake is truly the gift that keeps on giving.
  3. I am really good at photoshop.

RATING: 

4.5 1

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