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Would You Make Out With a Jerk (Like Me)?

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Would You Make Out With a Jerk (Like Me)?

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Sometimes things work out no matter how much I try to ruin them.

This past weekend, I was at a friend's girlfriend's place, in a bad mood because the girls were making us watch Titanic. I was laying on the floor firing out criticism, but still managed to get invited to stay over in my friend's girlfriend's (Megan) bed. Megan did warn, though, she planned to set up a "pillow barrier."

I thought Megan and I were just going to chat and fall asleep.

In order to fall asleep, I need the following elements:

-A TV switched on

-Cold air in the room forcing me to snuggle under the covers -so the AC should be on, or a window should be open, even in January

I had already been overly critical, so I went ahead and told Megan her room was an oven. She opened the window, but I still felt over heated.

I'm sensitive to heat. I almost died during an attempt at Bikram Yoga, and being outside too long on hot summer days angers me.

"Too bad you don't have an air conditioner," I said.

"Well I do, it's just not in the window," she told me.

 "Should I get it," she asked.

I was far too lazy and drunk to help with this project, so I refrained from demanding her to get the AC. What's more, in the back of my mind, I thought maybe (just maybe) we would make out if I played my cards right. Asking her to haul an AC out of the closet would not be a well-played card.

"Well, at this point, it's a luxury item," I said.  "I would love it - but I don't need it."

I figured that would end the discussion; but to my horror, she walked out into the hallway.

After what sounded like a cyclone in hallway closet, she appeared in the doorway carrying the AC which was almost as big as her.

Some horrible force inside petrified me. I couldn't move...nor did I want to. I knew the right thing to do was to get up and help her - especially since I the AC debacle was my doing. But I was frozen.

My friend and his girlfriend appeared in the doorway like a 1700s mob gathering to watch a beheading; my friend, upon seeing Megan struggling with the air conditioner while I lied on the bed, had a look on his face like he had just driven slowly past a grisly auto accident on a highway.

Just to rub salt in the wound that I was creating in the evening, Megan accidentally knocked over a glass of water off the night stand while she was wrestling with the AC.

Instead of getting up, all I could muster was: "um, you knocked over some water."

My friend, his girlfriend, and Megan had become a team at this point, helping install the AC and wiping up water; they were also almost like attendants to me. They might as well have been waving palm leaves and feeding me grapes.

But it got worse. After Megan plugged in the AC she looked at me triumphantly: "there you go."

I glanced at the thermostat: 74. It felt like 74 in the room before the AC arrived!

"74????" I yelped.

She said: "well what do you want it on?"

I finally got up. I slammed the "down" arrow on the thermostat.

"66, obviously" I said.

As we settled down in bed, I thought to myself: "what a lazy, high-maintenance bitch I am."

But, after that war of attrition, I found it attractive how little Megan complained. As much as I was trying to rustle her feathers, she remained stalwart and determined. I respected that.

And we made out; strangely, my attempts at self-sabotage may have made me more interesting. I mean who does something as awful as I did? A friend told me she wouldn't make out if a guy did what I did.

Now I'm wondering: what's the worst thing a guy could do to ruin his chances at night's end? I think this is the worst thing I've ever done, but it did work out. 

So that leaves the time I went home with two girls and laid on the couch and said: "all that's left now if for you two to make out in front of me."

I was sent home. Plopping on the couch/bed, making demands is not a good strategy.

What's the worst move a guy has done at the end of the night that ruined your mood and destroyed his chances? Is it just over-aggressiveness, or is it something goofy like me acting like a Roman Emperor? Would you be out of the mood if a guy pulled the AC move that I did?

Follow me on Twitter: twitter.com/richravens

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