By Chelsea Peng published
The sweaty one
We get it—you
vape trotted here because you take your work responsibilities very seriously. Or you stopped for a bagel on the way after sleeping through your 7:55 a.m. "GET UP NOW FFS" alarm. Either way, trying not to rustle mid-striptease or gasp like you have sudden-onset emphysema while everybody pretends they're not staring at you has got to be one of life's most awkward moments.
The one who talks a lot but doesn't actually say anything
Behind the "bandwidth" and "wheelhouse" and bluster, there's really not much intention to *do* anything. Isn't it weird, though, how they tend to stick around? Note to self: Learn the secret language of business-y word combinations, keep getting promoted, get elected to Congress, be like one of those old white dudes who's tight with all the super PACs.
The one who can't stay on topic
Please. No more about your 37-month-old's digestive system.
The one who eats
Not to get all schoolmarmish on you, but DID YOU BRING ENOUGH TO SHARE? No? Then get used to everybody looking longingly at your cake doughnut (when they're not looking at the aforementioned sweaty guy). Plot twist: The one who eats and the one who treats the meeting like his own personal monologue are the same guy.
The one you forget is there
But ends up filling you in when you're like "What just happened?" anyway. Being quiet ≠ not paying attention. Be more like Dave, which is invariably his name.
The one you forget is there until the end, when he starts asking 7 million questions
Did we just recap the whole meeting? Isn't it weird how we *did* just recap the whole meeting in the span of 2 minutes because some guy wanted to prove he was listening? So weird.
Who sends the notes, which could have easily taken the place of the whole meeting.
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I'm Chelsea Peng, the assistant editor at MarieClaire.com. On my tombstone, I would like a GIF of me that's better than the one that already exists on the Internet and a free fro-yo machine. Besides frozen dairy products, I'm into pirates, carbs, Balzac, and snacking so hard I have to go lie down.
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