
It’s Thanksgiving, which means you’re probably about to hear some terrible political opinions. As a refreshing palate-cleanser, every day this week the editors of Marie Claire will be sharing their most tightly-held unpopular opinions on a range of decidedly non-political subjects—in case you need something more interesting to fight about at dinner. See yesterday's here.
Thought you’d score some karma points for wishing that ex-coworker a happy day on Facebook? Don’t do it. Seriously, don’t. It’s time to stop and rethink this whole social media birthday etiquette. How can I begrudge people for doing something so harmless and potentially joy-giving? It’s 2018: Our phones are glued to our hands, so thinking something nice and typing it take basically the same amount of effort, making FB birthday wishes the digital equivalent of a sweet-smelling soda burp.
Yes, I’m a Birthday Diva. I don’t let the annual Day About Me slip by without pre-birthday drinks, taking the day off work, some sort of blow-out, and then make-up drinks with anyone who missed the pre-celebrations or the main blow-out. (Make-up drinks are like make-up tests: Join me for a cocktail, you get a passing grade.) If I meet a cool person and then learn she or he shares the same birthday, then sorry! We can’t be friends. I’m not sharing my day. I need to maintain the sick illusion that it’s mine alone. And I have to say to my Friends List that the little two-by-two inch shout-out on my feed, with the thoughtfully picked-out background (“Isn’t orange his favorite color?”) isn’t going to cut it.
There’s an app for that...
There really is! And if you have a robot do the task of posting a uniquely-worded greeting to every person linked to you on their special day, would anyone really know the difference? That’s pretty sad.
Is nothing sacred?
It’s not like all the people linked to you have the Holy Day of Your Creation on their iCalendar. Their FB Notifications gave them a big fat hint that’s it’s your birthday. So even if they truly thought of you first thing when they woke up, you’ll never know.
Scroll through your feed on your big day and chances are, you’re going to see super-sweet posts from names you barely recognize belonging to people who definitely spent 364 days of the previous year not thinking about you. And because that they’ve stopped for two seconds to boost your ego, they’re definitely expecting birthday-backsies. Stressful, right?
If, like me, you have the nagging feeling that a birthday is sacred to a few people (yourself...your mom, maybe?), then this knee-jerk impulse to post on the feed of some ex-boyfriend of a former friend that you forgot to unfriend feels like the utter apocalypse of thoughtfulness.
Be the change you wish to see.
Can we go back to how it used to be, when people sang and gave us edible cake instead of cake emojis? It’s not going to be easy, because it starts with ignoring those FB notifications.
Being absent from the string of cleverly-worded wishes on your coworker’s feed might result in getting some side-eye from her at work tomorrow. Plus, you’ll sound like an ass when you explain that it’s for a greater cause. But when you get that alert that it’s your dear pal’s birthday and you were so busy this week that you almost let it slip by, you’re going to have to walk the walk and call them. Maybe even figure out a time to meet IRL.
Just for writing this piece, I’m prepared to see the wishes dwindle on my own feed. But I’ve decided that it’s worth it and I will only sulk a little. Don’t get me wrong: I’ll still post the obligatory, “Thank you all for the wonderful wishes! It means so much to me.” But I’m going to post it at 12:15pm on my glorious day, just to give a little passive-aggressive smackdown to the people who thought it was okay to wait until after lunch.
To those Facebook friends who are not planning to see me face-to-face, buy me a drink, call, or even text because you moved to a part of the country that is devoid of me, I’m giving you a free pass to not care about my birthday. I sincerely mean that. I won't unfriend you after tallying greetings up on a spreadsheet at midnight and finding no check-mark next to your name.
Now here’s an idea: Use that two seconds for something that actually makes somebody feel your sincerity. Have you texted your mother today?
Carl Kelsch is the Managing Editor of Harper’s Bazaar. He’s also a screenwriter whose short films of varying quaility can be found smattered among the interwebs.
-
Eva Mendes Shaves Her Face Every Other Day: “I’m a Beast”
“My hair grows back if I get chills.”
By Samantha Holender
-
Hollywood's Next A-List
You may not recognize all of them...yet. But these 22 individuals have delivered some of the most triumphant on-screen performances in recent memory.
By Neha Prakash
-
The Ambition Issue
A celebration of striving for success in whatever's most important to you.
By Marie Claire Editors
-
4 Best Sad Songs of 2022 to Play When You're in Your Feels
New songs from Maren Morris, Iann Dior, and more.
By Marie Claire
-
The 16 Best Sad Songs of 2021 to Play When You're Feeling Down
Not me still listening to "Drivers License" on repeat!
By Rachel Epstein
-
48 Trendy Gifts for Every Woman in Your Life
Whether it's for a birthday, holiday, or just to say "I miss you."
By Rachel Epstein
-
The 18 Best Secret Santa Gifts for Your Coworkers
From the intern to your boss' boss.
By Julia Marzovilla
-
60 Gifts for Mom She'll Truly Love
From creature comforts to luxe indulgences.
By Sara Holzman
-
The 24 Best Gifts for Coffee Lovers in 2022
They're enough to make anyone a morning person.
By Julia Marzovilla
-
40 Non-Scary Horror Movies for Scaredy Cats
You may not like gore, but that doesn't mean you have to sit out spooky season.
By Joyce Bautista Ferrari
-
10 Good(ish) Things That Happened in 2020
Bid farewell to this dumpster fire of a year by focusing on these small moments of joy.
By Bess Kalb