Narrator: "I suppose it all started with the snow. You see, it was a very special kind of snow. A snow that made the happy happier, and the giddy even giddier. A snow that'd make a homecoming homier, and natural enemies, friends, natural. For it was the first snow of the season. And as any child can tell you, there's a certain magic that comes with the very first snow, especially when it falls on the day before Christmas. For when the first snow is also a Christmas snow..."
Bird Lady: "I'm just afraid if I do trust someone, I'll get my heart broken."
Kevin McCallister: "I understand. I had a nice pair of rollerblades. I was afraid to wreck them, so I kept them in a box. Do you know what happened? I outgrew them. I never wore them outside. Only in my room a few times."
Bird Lady: "A person's heart and feelings are very different than skates."
Kevin McCallister: "They're kind of the same thing. If you won't use your heart, who cares if it gets broken? If you just keep it to yourself, maybe it'll be like my rollerblades. When you do decide to try it, it won't be any good. You should take a chance. Got nothing to lose."
Charlie: “Seeing isn’t believing; believing is seeing.”
Ebenezer: "A merry Christmas, Ebenezer! You old HUMBUG! Oh, and a happy new year! As if you deserved it!"
Snow Miser: "So, Mrs. C., how’s your hubby?"
Mrs. Santa: "Not too good, Snowy, he’s got a bad cold."
Snow Miser: "Aw, that’s a shame. He should’ve come to see me, I’d have given him a good one."
Abby: "Thank you for trying to get me to like Christmas. I love that you love it. I'm just so content taking care of other people's pets when they're away for the holiday."
Teddy: "Can't you just wave your hand, and like, Jedi mindtrick the cops?"
Santa Claus: "I'm Santa Claus, Teddy, not Yoda."
Joseph: "I’m going to buy them their Christmas turkey."
Albert: "Buy? Do you really mean ‘buy’?"
Joseph: "Yes, buy! In the Spirit of Christmas. The hard part’s going to be stealing the money to pay for it."
B.Z.: “A sequel. That’s it. We’ll bring it out on March 25, and we’ll call it … Christmas 2!”
Kevin McCallister: "Bless this highly nutritious microwavable macaroni and cheese dinner and the people who sold it on sale. Amen."
Frank Cross: "It's Christmas Eve. It's the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year we are the people that we always hoped we would be."
Kate Beringer: "You say you hate Washington's birthday or Thanksgiving, and nobody cares, but you say you hate Christmas, and people treat you like you're a leper."
Howard: "Boys, I don't wanna speak ill of your mother on Christmas, but she's nothing but a common street whore."
Phil Davis: "My dear partner, when what's left of you gets around to what's left to be gotten, what's left to be gotten won't be worth getting, whatever it is you've got left."
Charlie Brown: "Rats. Nobody sent me a Christmas card today. I almost wish there weren’t a holiday season. I know nobody likes me. Why do we have to have a holiday season to emphasize it?"
Kiki: "I spend months picking out the perfect present for everyone. You know the only thing I get in return? Coupons, free back rubs."
Ellen Griswold: "I don't know what to say, but it's Christmas, and we're all in misery."
Ralphie: "Of course! Santa! The big man! The head honcho! The connection! Oh, my mother had truly messed up this time!"
Scott Calvin: "Who gave you permission to tell Charlie there was no Santa Claus? I think if we're going to destroy our son's delusions, I should be a part of it."
Derek: "The thing about elephants...they read your soul."
The Conductor:"Seeing is believing, but sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we can't see."
Clarence: "Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?"
The Grinch: "The nerve of those Whos. Inviting me down there-on such short notice! Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn't allow it. 4:00, wallow in self-pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me - I can't cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing...I'm booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9, I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. But what would I wear?"
Sam the Snowman: "Now don't any of you worry your heads about Santa, Mrs. Claus will have him plenty fattened up before Christmas Eve. It's always the same story."