Leg Jewelry Is a Thing, and We Have Questions

published 21 July 2015

It was only a matter of time before body jewelry mutated from Britney-esque belly chains and armbands into these…things by L. Jardim, which Zoe Kravitz wore Thursday stomping around lower Manhattan looking like chic Neo.

What are we supposed to call these? Leg chains? Leglets? Lower leg bracelets? Can we just be vague about it and say "leg jewelry?"

How do you even get them on? Lobster clasps would be elegant, but what happens when you sit and your leg meat expands? And what if, like, you're standing for a long time and your legs get swollen and the flesh gushes out of the openings and you can't even get them past your ankles to take them off because of all the fluids pooling in your feet? What then? ALL THE OTHER FESTIVAL KIDS WOULD LAUGH YOU OFF THE FIELD, THAT'S WHAT.

Do they come in wide calf sizes like boots? Do you have to custom-order them? Do we have to change our measurements so they're like 37-23.5-37.5-13 (Side note: HOW DOES THE INTERNET ALREADY KNOW MARILYN MONROE'S CALF MEASUREMENT?)

Ah. Okay. I went on Etsy (naturally), and they have these ones that tie in the back with elastic, which don't seem so bad.

But I bet after you sat, you'd still get indentations from the chain pressing into your skin. And possibly gangrene.

At least they're better than leg harnesses, though. Those don't even *look* cool.

Chelsea Peng is a writer and editor who was formerly the assistant editor at MarieClaire.com. She's also worked for The Strategist and Refinery29, and is a graduate of Northwestern University. On her tombstone, she would like a GIF of herself that's better than the one that already exists on the Internet and a free fro-yo machine. Besides frozen dairy products, she's into pirates, carbs, Balzac, and snacking so hard she has to go lie down.