Things I've Never Tried in Bed

Today I was thinking about how inexperienced and unadventurous I am in bed. I wish I could be super porno guy, but I just can't — not at this point in my life. Here is the laundry list of things I've never tried in bed:

Video

Most of the time, the girl I'm with is cute enough to be on video, but I would ruin it. Why would I want to see my beer gut on camera over and over again? Plus, doesn't the camera add ten pounds or something? Furthermore, I'd want the movie to be good and I'd want the girl to be having a good time. If I'm 

anxious performing without a camera, I can only imagine how nervous I'd be with the electronic eye scrutinizing my every move. And one more thing: I tend to lose things. Whether it's a computer file, or a tape, or DVD, if I lost it I'd be in big trouble.

Anything Anal

Sorry folks, but in my world the butt is a one-way street. And the substance that travels that one-way street is one of the most undesirable concoctions known to humankind. I fear STDs as it is, so why would I even mess around in the anal region. The anal region I know is primarily responsible for purging the body of bacteria. Plus there is a lot of delicacy down there. I don't like stretching things, and I don't like flimsy blood vessels. I have nothing against people who like it, but I don't think I can ever bring myself to put any part of my body near there.

Threesome

You all know I've been trying, but I've never gotten to do it. This would require the perfect storm, and I'm never lucky enough to have those circumstances occur.

Watching Porn Together

I hear that watching porn with your significant other is supposed to be healthy, but I've always watched porn alone. Porn is more of a necessity that fills in for sex when I'm single. Strangely, I've watched porn with my guy friends but never with a girlfriend.

Sex In Public

One time I had sex in the academic building at my college, but that was a safe public location because it was late and I was pretty sure no one would walk in. The thrill from public sex is supposed to be that chance of getting caught in the act, and I've never been in a situation like that.

Bondage

I tried this once with my girlfriend in high school after we had been together for a year. But I really didn't see the point of it. We both giggled the whole time, and eventually the restraints just got cumbersome.

Role-Playing

Again, this one is something that would make me laugh too much before I could really get into it. I see no point in it either: hopefully the girl I am sleeping with is so desirable, I don't want her to be anyone else.

Whips and Chains

This is such a production. First of all, I don't like having weapons around during sex. And I don't need to be distracted with leather apparatus that will probably squelch my mood anyway. I just don't think I have the mentality to get excited by the whole S&M thing. Who put those words together anyway: sex & massacre? Well, I guess people thought Reese was crazy when he put peanut butter and chocolate together and look at him now.

Slapping

Thankfully, no girl has ever asked me to slap her while having sex-I think sometimes guys will smack girls on their backside or whatever. I really can't do the inflicting pain thing in any situation, especially sex.

Here are the three reasons I'm so lame when it comes to trying new things in bed:

1. I've never been with a girl so long that I became comfortable enough to try new things with her.

2. I've never been so successful with women that I get bored (like Led Zeppelin or other studs) and spice up things by experimenting. I'm lucky enough just to get to have sex with a girl I like when all the stars align just right.

3. I'm so anxious that I need to get completely comfortable with sex and feel comfortable with myself before I am secure enough to loosen up and try new things. Some anxiety will never go away,like fear of STDs, but maybe I can learn to manage it.

Do you think I'm too conservative, and do you agree with the reasons I mentioned for my lack of experimentation in bed? Are there any things that you could never see yourself trying? Anything from the list that you've tried that you would advise me to try?