Celebs You Most Want to Have Crazy Sex With? (Here are My Top Three.)

Is it cheating if I say Javier Bardem, Javier Bardem, Javier Bardem? (Did he really just get engaged to Penelope Cruz?)


Have you heard the news that sexy Javier Bardem might be engaged to his girlfriend, the equally hot Penelope Cruz?

Does this mean all my dreams of some day having a hot sex affair with him are dashed?

Well, of course, that would never have happened anyway, not in a million years ... because, as you all know, I'm a prude. (Oh yes, that's the only reason why. Nothing to do with the fact that (a) I will probably never encounter Mr. Bardem; and (b) even if I did, he wouldn't look twice at me. Not even if I stripped naked in front of him. In fact, if I did that, I'm sure he'd look away!)

(Let me warn you now, dear readers, before I go any farther that I am about to slightly objectify men, below (all in good fun, I promise). However, if you want to tune out now because you disapprove, I will understand.)

Bardem is at the top of my life of "The Celebrities I Most Want to Have Sex With," which, in my mind, is a very different category from "My Celebrity Crushes."

In the former category, the leading contenders are:

-Bardem, as I've been saying. Why? He's always so physical in his performance--showing off his plush muscularity--that I can easily imagine having him rip my clothes off ... and I think it would be a lot of fun. Plus, there is something about the way he carries himself--and something about that accent--that screams sensuality, even (perhaps especially) in the fantastic Julian Schnabel flick Before Night Falls. In that, Bardem plays a gay man--but regardless, he turns me on! ...

And below: Look! It's my body double with Bardem!

-Josh Brolin. My having the hot-hot-hots for J.B. is based largely on his performance in "No Country for Old Men*"--a seriously excellent thriller (written & directed by the marvelous Coen Brothers), which also manages to be an eschatalogical meditation.** In the movie, the Brolin character is as chiseled as Mount Rushmore. He's a sexy cowboy-type--one of the good guys--who doesn't say much, but knows how to drive a pick-up truck. He is married to a Wal-mart clerk wife to whom he is adorably devoted. In an early scene, he sits down so close to her on the couch that he practically sits on TOP of her, and then tells her that if she keeps sass-talking him, he's going to have to do something about it. It's a minor scene that's unbelievably rife with sexual tension--sexual tension that never gets realized on-screen, but has been realized in my brain, where *I* play the wife.

So, Josh Brolin, if you're listening? I'm quite a sass-talker myself! Just try me!

-And then there's ... Matt Damon. As with the other two, I imagine he's the strong, silent, contemplative type in real life. Also like the other two, he seems incredibly masculine to me, in an appealingly old-school way, with that ripped body. Plus: I will always more or less equate Matt Damon with the character he played in Good Will Hunting (who is superficially similar to the Baby Fireman). Who wouldn't want to have sex with him?

So ... as you can see, when it come to celebs I want to have sex with, I like big, strong, old-fashioned manly men types.

On the other hand, when it comes to celebs I'd like to date (in my dreams) I go for the geekier, quirkier types, like Jason Schwartzman--star of the new HBO show "Bored to Death"--and Owen Wilson.

What do you guys think about all this? Do you share my crushes? Are there certain stars you'd be happy to have sex with but would never want to spend time with out of the bedroom? WHO DO YOU LOVE?

(Is it totally ridiculous to even think about any of this? Yes, it is. But it's fun, too, right? Am I rather sexually unsatisfied at the moment, and is this revealing itself in increasingly sex-obsessed posts? Perhaps. Will I stop objectifying men soon? I hope so.)


*Incidentally, Javier Bardem is also in this movie. He plays a sociopath, but still manages to be pretty hot.

**I don't really know what eschatalogical means either--some movie reviewer said that.


ps: commenters:

Mimi: the bigger the belly, the lower the lidido, eh? Frightening! Not surprising. I mean, when I'm carrying extra pounds, I feel less sexy in general--and the less frequently I work out, the less stamina I have, so ... similarly, McGig: yep: i fear the potbellies will have less energy, too. ... . Lina: re: the Trebay comment about potbellied dudes being opposed to Obama's work-out regime? I think that officially qualifies as grasping for straws. Sheesh. ... and Edwinna! I love all the little details I get about your life. Nice that you have a sexy husband. ... Staci: There's a diff. btwn a healthy weight and an anorexic weight; similarly, on the other end of the spectrum, there is a diff. btwn a healthy weight and a potbelly. Never in a million years would there be an article about how sexy potbellies are on WOMEN. All this considered, I don't quite get your point. And because I personally have never ranted and raved about how unfair the media+cultural standards are, when it comes to women's bodies, I can't see how hypocrisy would come into play here.