Does True Love Make Us Ready to Commit?

Or do we have to be ready before we can find it? I sort of feel like I could love Barnaby Jepperdoom--maybe--if I let myself. (Let's keep that between you and me, shall we?) But do I still have commitment-phobia? Or is it more that when you find the person who is REALLy right, you don't have to talk yourself into getting serious--it just happens?


So, as I've been hinting, I've been spending a fair amount of time with Barnaby Jepperdoom. And he's pretty awesome. And I'm getting into that mindset where I want to talk to him every night. I'm also not opposed to kissing him--though we haven't done that the last few times we've hung out, in part, I'm sure, because I've told myself going into it that I should hold back, since I'm not interested in a carnal relationship. In fact, I feel like I'm being self-indulgent as it is, and I'm concerned that one or both of us could get hurt if I don't reel it in a little.

But all of this has me wondering why I feel hesitant about Barnaby. After all, he's quite smart and (perhaps I've mentioned) very handsome. He cracks me up. He's always teaching me new things. He has a decent job. He seems pretty dedicated to becoming a better and happier Barnaby, which is admirable. He's a good communicator. And we're going to do a book club together! Also, he's going to help me think through a second novel I want to write. (No, the first one isn't sold yet--my agent has the manuscript now so hopefully we'll be sending it out for consideration soon.) He has a bike, and he rides it over to my apartment. He's a loyal friend. He's REALLY NICE to me.

Do any of you hear ONE THING that sounds the least little bit not pretty great?

Yeah, I know.

Of course, if you pressed me, there are two things I could carp about:

#1] that for such a brilliant and talented guy, he's not very ambitious; and

#2] I don't think he makes much money.

Regarding the $$$ question: This is not about being sexist! But since I'm a "creative type," I'm never pulling in the big dough; some years, I barely squeak by. And unless I win the lottery, I can't imagine my writing career is going to get much more lucrative any time soon. In the meantime, I'm aging rapidly ... and the older you get (have you noticed this?), the more money you have to spend to look at all attractive ... and I've lived in sketchy neighborhoods on peanut-butter-and-jelly-sandwiches for so long now that I'm craving something better. (I'm not taking about summer vacations on yachts or anything. More like a nice dinner out once a week and a decent-sized apartment with some groovy Ikea furniture.) Is it so wrong that the idea of finding a partner who could help me enjoy a nice lifestyle is appealing?

Regarding the ambition thing: I'm not exactly sure why that matters to me so much. I suppose it partly has to do with money; but maybe even more, in my mind, ambition means possibility. It means the promise of change. It means hope. ... Then again, if Barnaby was more ambitious, isn't there a very good chance he might be, I dunno, more of a dick? Less interested in doing book club with me?

All of which brings me to the question ... Is the problem that Barnaby isn't quite right for me, or that I'm still not ready to be in a serious relationship?

Lovelies--has this kind of thing come up in your lives? In the lives of your friends? What are your thoughts not just on my situation but on the matter in general? Is finding a good relationship simply a matter of Prince Charming arriving on your doorstep? Or do you need to be ready?



dear commenters:

first off, just a general note to say i was NOT booting-texting the baby fireman! i sent the first text at 5; he responded at first at 7; then i didn't write back till I got home that night around 930 ... so, no nefarious intentions on my part beyond being flirty+saucy.

now ...

-Lyonaria: i hope you get over your cough too! And rock that Betty Boop outfit--it sounds awesome.

-Amber: Dunno why BF said it would have to wait--he does work F/T and also go to law school at nights, so he's legitimately got a very full schedule. And it was kind of late on a Sunday night. Then again, I'm fairly certain he's fooling around with other people.

Speaking of guys who love school girls outfits ... do you remember this?

-C.C. Anazagarus: Of course I'd respond to your comment! ... Sorry about the tennis courts stonewall, but I think you, as the dude, could totally follow up with a playful text. Or, just cut to the chase and ask her out? Good luck!

-Paris: I LOVE that site you've been sending me to ... it's hilarious! As for BJ ... well ... see above. But maybe you're right.

-Edwinna: sigh. It's not just firemen in general, but this BF in particular--something about the way he smells. Also, have I mentioned he is terrifying brilliant? Really, he is. Which is part of the appeal. Also, he's a narcissist! Which, unfortunately, seems to be THE male personality that turns me on.

-Carolina: Hello! I love comments, and new commenters, so thank you. Keep telling me when I'm being an idiot, will you?