It's been three years since Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson's breakup, and—as Stewart now confirms—it was the absolute worst. "It was incredibly painful," she told The Daily Beast in a new interview. "Ugh, f*cking kill me."
Stewart was shooting the movie Equals (a dystopian film about two people who fall in love in a society from which emotions have seemingly been erased) with Nicholas Hoult then, who at the time had just broken up with his longtime girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence. "We all felt akin by how much we've been through, and to utilize that is so scary," she explains. "And to acknowledge it, reassess, and jump back into it? Usually you want to move on. But at least we could use some of that for some good. This movie was a meditation on firsts, and a meditation on maintaining, and a meditation on the ebbs and flows of what it's like to love someone—your feelings versus your ideals, the bursting of bubbles, the shattering of dreams you thought were possible, and what you have to contend with as things get more realistic. Relationships, you just never f*cking know."
Stewart thinks we're all a little too shut off to emotions—and is against the medications we use to numb them. "As far as we know, you have one shot at this, and it can be so fucking beautiful, so why lessen the feeling of anything? Why numb yourself? I'm not on antidepressants. I think it's bizarre."
This presumably extends to even the bad memories...like her first kiss: "It was horrible! It was so bad. It was fucking repulsive. I was 14, and it was gross...But the first time something in you opens up and affects your entire body and has this control over you, it's scary because there's this chemical that's released that you become addicted to. It literally feels like you don't have free will anymore. I know that fucking feeling."
She revealed that she has a lot of faith in it and love, generally: "If you've been hurt—you know when you've broken up with someone and you look at someone walking down the street holding hands and think, 'Ugh, give it a fuckin' year. Let me know how you feel in a year, ugh, I don't believe in that,' well if we did our jobs right, then it would be to remind you that you can definitely get back to that, and how hard, amazing, and life-fulfilling those feelings were in the very beginning."
Preach. Read the full interview here.
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