Heidi Klum is a time traveler. This is not an opinion so much as a deeply researched fact, based on decades of being a woman alive, and also looking at these photos of her from the 2024 Grammy Awards' red carpet.
"She has a good doctor!" you might cry. "Her make-up artist is a savant!" "I heard she drinks stem cell smoothies for breakfast!" "She has a titanium-and-lace laser facial every morning!"
No, no, no, no, no: you're all wrong. I'm sorry. I know this may be hard to hear. But Heidi Klum is a time traveler and I swear these photos prove it.
This is not the Heidi Klum of 2024 that we know. This is a teenaged Heidi Klum from the past, who has come to the 2024 Grammy Awards in a lingerie-inspired dress (so teen girl of her!) to save us all from a darker future only she can prevent.
"But why, Alicia," you might be wondering, "Why are you so insistent that she has traveled through time? Are you OK?" And the answer is that I am FINE, leave me out of it!
The point is that Heidi Klum is wearing the magic underwear all my Mormon family members go on and on about, and that's how I know she's a time traveler.
Listen: I know magic when I see it. And is there anything more magical than a pair of peek-a-boo diamante undies peeking out the sides of a lingerie-inspired dress?! I don't know what John Smith was thinking when he invented (erm, sorry: discovered that the Garden of Eden is right here in America...?) his religion, but there may be nothing more magical than diamond panties on a teenage time traveler.
Because this is not the face of a woman hardened by time—this is a YOUNG GIRL FROM THE PAST GETTING READY TO SAVE THE FUTURE, OK?
I just hope that teenaged Heidi Klum can complete her mission before the world collapses in on itself.
Thank you for your service, teenage time traveler, Heidi Klum. We salute you, thank you for saving the planet!
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Alicia Lutes is a freelance writer, essayist, journalist, humorist, and screenwriter based in Los Angeles. She has written extensively on culture, entertainment, the craft of comedy, and mental health. Her work has been featured in places such as Vulture, Playboy, Variety, The Hollywood Reporter, MTV, Cosmopolitan, Rotten Tomatoes, Bustle, Longreads, and more. She was also the creator/former host of the web series Fangirling, and currently fosters every single dog she can.
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