1. Making your default MySpace song something "screamo." One of those Taking Back Sunday/The Get Up Kids/Saves The Day/Thursday type deals.
2. Quoting yourself on your AIM profile. "Bitches ain't shit!" –Me. (No.)
3. Having dumb lyrics on your AIM profile. A girl in my high school had the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson's "Miss Independent." She was married with a kid before she was 25.
4. Having your and your boyfriend's names written on your AIM profile ~*~*~*LiKe tHiS~*~*~. ~**~*~i hAvE a cOdEpEnDeNt aTtAchMenT tO bRiAn dAnIeLs~*~*~*
5. ~*~**~~*tHiS~*~*~*~ in general. ~*~*~*sEnIoRs~*~*!!!
6. MySpace selfies that are deliberately angled to make you look hot, angsty, and nothing like yourself. Pretty sure this was the original grassroots movement of duck face.
7. Any photos with early-era Photo Booth filters (Warhol, sepia, etc.). Sure, it was fun at the time, but that lame album from 2007 that you still have on Facebook is overkill.
8. Embarrassing drunken Facebook photos. That photo of you doing body shots off your friend on Spraaaang Break is not going to look great to future employers.
9. Facebook photos in which you are blatantly doing anything illegal or carrying illegal things on your person. That momenet absolutely needed to be captured and shared with everyone. Including your mom, your 14-year-old cousin, and possibly your religious leaders.
10. Status updates that are vague, emo references to a breakup or some other difficult experience you just had. "Someday it'll get better…" "Feeling very alone…" Ugh, stop fishing for concern. Also, you are now 28, why are you still doing this.
11. Cringeworthy humblebrags. When did you ever think it was OK to write "I just got checked out by Colin Farrell and I TOTALLY had mustard on my face?"
12. Sending friends pissy emails when they took you out of their MySpace Top 8. That shit was realer than blood pacts at the time, but now it just seems absurd.
13. Sharing BuzzFeed quizzes. Dude, nobody but you cares that you'd be Neville Longbottom if you were a character in Harry Potter.
14. The Purity Test. While this is not an effective purity test, it is an excellent test of who is a big fat liar. (Everyone.)
15. Liking embarrassing companies in order to enter sweepstakes. Associate Entertainment Editor Eliza Thompson Facebook-liked Time Warner Cable on Facebook one time because they were giving away an Iron Throne. And also because she writes fanfiction about Time Warner.
16. That moment where you don't realize that said "like" of embarrassing companies would automatically post to your Facebook and show people what a weird Internet-dwelling gremlin you are. "Anna Breslaw likes Preparation-H."
17. Tweeting at companies when you are pissed. @GiltGroupe I ordered my $250 blouse made of unicorn hair three days ago and it's not HERE YET. THIS IS A TRAVESTY. I'M SO MAD THAT MY EYES ARE BLEEDING." At the time? Crisis. Now? You sound like a spoiled first-world brat.
18. Checking in to White Castle on Foursquare when you're drunk. It's so funny! Until you realize your ex follows you on Foursquare and now knows what your life is.
19. Facebook stalking your ex. Literally the second after you do it, intense regret party.
20. Instagram-stalking your ex. Uhh, great way to fall for the perfectly curated and significantly more awesome fake life everyone has on Instagram. Who's that supermodel he's with? Why is he holding a baby? Is that their Golden Lab? I'm going to throw up.
21. Facebook-stalking your new boyfriend. You're just asking for trouble.
22. Facebook-stalking your new boyfriend's ex. You're just asking for trouble, and also, creepy.
23. Pulling a Martha Stewart and Instagramming an intensely unphotogenic meal. Grosssss.
24. Making a relationship Facebook official too soon. Then having to switch it back to single and have everyone and their mom comment ":-(". It's fine, it was mutual, we're staying friends, forever alone, etc.
25. Changing your Facebook status to "in a relationship" with your best friend (who has a boyfriend) on Valentine's Day, and then realizing that this actually makes you look like you're more depressed. I DON'T CARE ABOUT VALENTINE'S DAY, AHAHAHAHA!
26. Paying respect to a celebrity death hoax, whoopsie! Urkel is alive and well. Glory be.
27. Tweeting what you think is the latest Internet gold and then realizing the article is from 2008. Riiiight on the pulse. Of six years ago.
28. God-awful first screen names. ChillinGirl873. EminemFan4Life.
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