Thoughts You Have When You Eat Too Much for Your Outfit

published 25 December 2015

Ignorance

Maybe you didn't know you would be eating after the concert. Maybe they ordered fries "for the table." (Hahahahahaha.) Maybe you just had a lapse in judgment and decided that, yeah, you could totally wear your risky pants with the non-stretchy waistband to an event literally called "the feast of the seven fishes." Whatever it was, you're here, the fries nobody else will be eating are parked in front of you, and you're just going to go with it.

Denial

That foam-roller-crammed-into-my-esophagus feeling will *totally* disappear when I stand up. Yeah.

Anger

ASDFASDLFJALKJADSF!!!! I stood up. The waistband of my pants creaked and threatened to give way, and I'm pretty sure the button is lodged in my stomach. BEGONE, DEMON FOOD BABY. I command you!

(I've got a pillow over my midsection RN.)

Bargaining

Okay. But if I drink a lukewarm lemon water (opens in new tab) in one hour so it doesn't dilute my stomach juices and do some yoga twists (opens in new tab) but only the ones where you can lie down, I'll be fine. I'll be fiiiiineee.

Depression

A post shared by Jacquie Aiche (@jacquieaiche) (opens in new tab)
A photo posted by on

This would never happen to Behati. 😩

Regret

*mournfully places last fry nub back on the plate* "Should've done that 2,938,465 fries ago," the part of you that brought up that Behati pic snarls.

Acceptance

[Sunlight filters through the window as the protagonist wakes. She remembers the previous night fondly, the scent of French fries still lingering in her hair.] It was worth it.

Brown, Organism, Shoulder, Vertebrate, Terrestrial animal, Abdomen, Chest, Trunk, Muscle, Stomach,

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Chelsea Peng is a writer and editor who was formerly the assistant editor at MarieClaire.com. She's also worked for The Strategist and Refinery29, and is a graduate of Northwestern University. On her tombstone, she would like a GIF of herself that's better than the one that already exists on the Internet and a free fro-yo machine. Besides frozen dairy products, she's into pirates, carbs, Balzac, and snacking so hard she has to go lie down.