A few months before
You—because you'd make a great famous person, obviously—have been on holiday, probably in St. Barts or Gstaad or both. But now, even though you're still moderately in shape, you need to get on with the business of meeting the societal expectations of what a movie star should like. At this point, that mostly means thinking about calling your stylist and trainer while you drink a frozen margarita on a private beach somewhere.
One month before (plus or minus a week)
Okay, the dress is set, but it's strapless and midriff-baring and made of this new material NASA developed that's like Spanx but even Spanx-ier. This is when you bring in fitness expert Lacey Stone, who's trained Nicole Kidman and Amanda Seyfried, to take care of any potential spillage some eager-beaver editor would magnify and publish under a "cup runneth over" pun, should he get the chance.
Some Lacey-approved workouts to be done in between promoting one's self/projects: cardio such as Barry's Bootcamp, spinning or high-intensity interval training, combined with yoga, barre, or a similar sculpting class. If you're already at where you want to be, you might do these for just 20 minutes a day, two or three days a week. If you've got a strapless, midriff-baring, space-Spanx gown to squeeze into, it could be as much as daily early-morning workouts where Lacey comes to your house, kicks you out of bed, and makes you run sprints.
24 days before
Between trading bon mots with Mary Hart, finalizing your fashion and beauty for the big night, and begging Lacey to just let you die already, how are you supposed to find time to eat anything more than a Luna Bar, let alone cook a healthy, low-glycemic meal? You can't, so you either hire a private chef or sign up for a meal delivery service like Klean, which, according to founder and CEO Kiki Heinzer, offers 24-day packages to give clients some cushion around the *21* days it takes to break a habit. The good news is you'll be eating four meals a day. The other news is none of those meals includes Cool Ranch Doritos.
But it's not so bad when you're eating scrambled eggs, roasted sweet potatoes, and vegetable hash for breakfast, and a raw salad with sustainably caught salmon for first lunch. And once you're squarely on the wagon, you'll be so pretty! Heinzer says a lot of her clients report looking younger at the end of the 24 days.
One or two weeks before
You're in the home stretch, so for the first time in approximately 30 days, Lacey says "relax"—unless you haven't reached your goal yet, or you've got nerves. Then Lacey says "KNEES HIGHER."
You still aren't allowed to drink, though, so you continue to wash down your nightly palm-size portion of grilled chicken with water. God, you cannot wait for the free Moët.
The day of
To mimic Adriana Lima without the whole not-drinking-water-for-12-hours thing, you might visit a sauna like L.A.'s Sweat Shop shortly before the event. Other than it, you're ready to be strapped into that space-Spandex.
Your body, by now: sleek, de-puffed, efficient, and smooth. (Fashion tape and shapewear took care of anything remotely bumpy.) Your mood: chill and excited. Now, you go lie down in the back of an SUV, and by god, you enjoy yourself.
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Chelsea Peng is a writer and editor who was formerly the assistant editor at MarieClaire.com. She's also worked for The Strategist and Refinery29, and is a graduate of Northwestern University. On her tombstone, she would like a GIF of herself that's better than the one that already exists on the Internet and a free fro-yo machine. Besides frozen dairy products, she's into pirates, carbs, Balzac, and snacking so hard she has to go lie down.
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