'The Bachelor' Recap: An Exercise In Waiting for Colton to Jump the Fence

Listen, it's pretty clear that they made last week's episode of The Bachelor a "To Be Continued" only because that Onyeka/Nicole drama was the only thing that happened in this lackluster episode. Here's what To Be Continued means: We pick up on Colton pacing the beach, and Onyeka and Nicole move their bickering from one-on-one to in front of the girls. Then Chris Harrison comes in to announce the rose ceremony, and in the least surprising moment of the episode, Onyeka and Nicole both go home. Nobody jumps the fence.

Moving on. We head immediately to Vietnam, and Hannah G., a.k.a. The Other Hannah, gets the date card this week. The Other Hannah gets this season's sexy funtime spa date, complete with clay masks and getting wrapped up in banana leaves.

There's not a whole lot to say about this date...because The Other Hannah and Colton didn't say a lot. Like, we thought he was mackin' all over Cassie last week? I honestly thought Colton was trying to fuse his tongue to The Other Hannah's. Even their dinner-where-they-don't-eat date involves The Other Hannah talking about her parents' divorce, a topic even I know only to touch on when there's nothing else to talk about. Fence went un-jumped.

Back at the hotel, Demi and Sydney are showing signs of mid-season fatigue, and when the group date card has their names on it, they're crushed. And everyone is shook that this season's Who?, Kirpa, got the one-on-one date.

Because The Bachelor time and time again proves that its standards of women are the lowest, the group date involved the women learning the ancient Vietnamese marital art of Vovinam, because this show must take the idea of "fight for your love" seriously. "Fight For Love" is a Courtney Act song, not something we should imply women should be doing physically. But this show has always been known for its nuance. Everything goes (reasonably) well until Katie punches Demi in the face, and her being noticeably shaken leads Colton to calling the whole thing off.

The after-after-after-after-after-after party starts, and Colton proves he's pretty much all in with Tayshia by asking to grab her first. Meanwhile, Sydney is stewing about being on the group date in general, because, as she tells Colton when she finally gets some time with him, she feels like they haven't had enough time and he hasn't opened up to her. But once it becomes glaringly clear that he's not into her like she is him, she self-eliminates herself, telling Colton,"There are some great girls in the group. Find them. Don't be distracted by shiny things.” This becomes a recurring thought from Demi and Katie when they make their exits: Someone (or some people) is not there For The Right Reasons. Tayshia gets the group date rose, and no one jumps over a fence.

Kirpa's date mostly consists of scuba diving and her shrugging when Colton asks if she's open to getting engaged at the end, and I laughed. It got her the rose, and that's what matters! The biggest surprise is Colton not jumping the fence.

Demi gets ready for her time in the tank by ambushing Colton in his hotel room and thinking she's going to be the one to get in his tighty-whiteys. (I'm sorry, tell me Colton doesn't wear those.) She tells him she's falling in love with him, and Colton says, "I appreciate that." Colton decides to send Demi home rather than make her suffer through a rose ceremony knowing she'll probably be going home anyway, and she says someone isn't there for the right reasons. Colton doesn't jump the fence for Demi.

There's no cocktail party this week. Nobody jumps the fence. But Katie, my beloved beautiful Katie, is going home. She wasn't long for this world anyway, but she warns Colton that someone has the wrong intentions in being there, and the camera pans to Cassie and Caelynn.

AND IT LOOKS LIKE NEXT WEEK, HE JUMPS THE FENCE!!!!!! This is more exciting than anything else that happened in 2019. See you then!!!

For more stories like this, including celebrity news, beauty and fashion advice, savvy political commentary, and fascinating features, sign up for the Marie Claire newsletter.

SUBSCRIBE HERE