Take a moment to mourn my Queen Elyse, y'all, a victim of the "Dating On The Bachelor Is Not Like Real Life" curse that plagues one contestant every season. Elyse chose to make her exit in this episode because she can see that the other relationships in the house are moving quicker than hers is with Colton, and she doesn't think she can make it in time for a possible engagement at the end. And you know what? She's right. If she's not capable, she shouldn't be there. If she's feeling jealous, or doesn't like watching other girls date her boyfriend, she has the right to leave. The Bachelor is dating turned up to 11. Elyse's response was mature, it was enlightened, and my favorite part is that she did the entire thing in one of the best dresses this franchise has ever seen.
When Elyse popped out in that white dress with her hair in an updo and her face painted for the gods, my wig flew across the room. I knew the drama was coming. When she looked beautiful while she told Colton she was leaving, I was imagining all of the best outfits I could wear while dramatically exiting the reality television show I am the star of in my own brain.
AND IT HAD POCKETS. My wig is around the corner and up the street. I know ABC thought it had a wig-snatching moment with Jocey Grocey—I mean, Heather—going from Never Been Kissed to Has Been Kissed, but my wig was firmly attached. I see what you were trying there, ABC.
To add a layer onto the tragedy cake that was this episode ofThe Bachelor —a survival date? Really? I'd rather do last week's Bungee date and get whiplash than ever go searching for water in a jungle.
Elyse's Dramatic Exit Dress is sold out, and it was 58 dollars. I stan a budget-minded queen! But never fear, I've found one that's pretty similar just for you, my dear reader, who comes to me for fashion advice, clearly.
Now, I'm not pretending I'm competing on The Bachelor. But if I was, here are some other statement dresses I would wear, because if I'm going to be a dramatic girl, I'm going to remind you I Didn't Come To Play, I Came To Slay. But I don't imagine myself being an Onyeka or a Demi, but rather a Katie (my new queen, give Katie more screentime) or even a Cassie (that date...If I didn't already have my thoughts on her, they're solid now. My GOD.)
Sit in the background, be fabulous, charm a few people from time to time. You know, easy stuff.
Dear producers: Please cast me on this show, if only for the fashion.
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