Take a moment to mourn my Queen Elyse, y'all, a victim of the "Dating On (opens in new tab)The Bachelor (opens in new tab) Is Not Like Real Life" curse that plagues one contestant every season. Elyse chose to make her exit in this episode because she can see that the other relationships in the house are moving quicker than hers is with Colton, and she doesn't think she can make it in time for a possible engagement at the end. And you know what? She's right. If she's not capable, she shouldn't be there. If she's feeling jealous, or doesn't like watching other girls date her boyfriend, she has the right to leave. The Bachelor is dating turned up to 11. Elyse's response was mature, it was enlightened, and my favorite part is that she did the entire thing in one of the best dresses this franchise has ever seen.
When Elyse popped out in that white dress with her hair in an updo and her face painted for the gods, my wig flew across the room. I knew the drama was coming. When she looked beautiful while she told Colton she was leaving, I was imagining all of the best outfits I could wear while dramatically exiting the reality television show I am the star of in my own brain.
AND IT HAD POCKETS. My wig is around the corner and up the street. I know ABC thought it had a wig-snatching moment with Jocey Grocey—I mean, Heather—going from Never Been Kissed to Has Been Kissed, but my wig was firmly attached. I see what you were trying there, ABC.
we love strong character development #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/yrRXd8iKMiFebruary 5, 2019
To add a layer onto the tragedy cake that was this episode ofThe Bachelor —a survival date? Really? I'd rather do last week's Bungee date and get whiplash than ever go searching for water in a jungle.
Elyse's Dramatic Exit Dress is sold out (opens in new tab), and it was 58 dollars. I stan a budget-minded queen! But never fear, I've found one that's pretty similar just for you, my dear reader, who comes to me for fashion advice, clearly.
Now, I'm not pretending I'm competing on The Bachelor. But if I was, here are some other statement dresses I would wear, because if I'm going to be a dramatic girl, I'm going to remind you I Didn't Come To Play, I Came To Slay. But I don't imagine myself being an Onyeka or a Demi, but rather a Katie (my new queen, give Katie more screentime) or even a Cassie (that date...If I didn't already have my thoughts on her, they're solid now. My GOD.)
Sit in the background, be fabulous, charm a few people from time to time. You know, easy stuff.
Dear producers: Please cast me on this show, if only for the fashion.
For more stories like this, including celebrity news, beauty and fashion advice, savvy political commentary, and fascinating features, sign up for the Marie Claire newsletter.
SUBSCRIBE HER (opens in new tab)
Amanda Mitchell is a writer and podcaster with bylines at Marie Claire, OprahMag, Allure, Byrdie, Stylecaster, Bon Appetit, and more. Her work exists at the apex of beauty, pop culture, and absurdity. A human Funfetti cake, she watches too much television, and her favorite season is awards season. You can read more of her work at amandaelizabethmitchell.com or follow her on Instagram and Twitter @lochnessmanda.
24 Hours With John Legend
The singer, record producer, husband, and entrepreneur reveals how he maintains youthful, glowing skin.
By Deena Campbell
What Is Co-Washing, and How Do You Do It? Experts Weigh In
Skip the shampoo.
By Gabrielle Ulubay
Digital Lavender Is About to Be the Biggest Color of the Year
Barbiecore got a "Lavender Haze"-inspired makeover.
By Julia Marzovilla
30 Female-Friendly Porn Websites for Any Mood
All the best websites, right this way.
By Kayleigh Roberts
70 Cheap Date Ideas for Couples on a Budget
"Love don't cost a thing." —J.Lo
By The Editors
Diary of a Non-Monogamist
Rachel Krantz, author of the new book 'Open,' shares the ups and downs of her journey into the world of open relationships.
By Abigail Pesta
71 Fun Date Ideas for 2023
Skip the old "dinner and a movie" for something original.
By Katherine J. Igoe
COVID Forced My Polyamorous Marriage to Become Monogamous
For Melanie LaForce, pandemic-induced social distancing guidelines meant she could no longer see men outside of her marriage. But monogamy didn't just change her relationship with her husband—it changed her relationship with herself.
By Melanie LaForce
75 Real Sex Scenes in Movies
These actors aren't faking anything.
By Mehera Bonner
How the pandemic has mutated our most personal disunions.
By Gretchen Voss
16 At-Home Date Ideas When You're Stuck Indoors
Staying in doesn't have to be boring.
By Katherine J. Igoe