By Rich Santos published
Remember my friend who was trying to figure out if her hotel-renting guy had been a jerk? When I suggested to her that he might be married, her defense was: "no, I've been to his apartment. It's a total bachelor pad."
Looks can be deceiving, but it got me to wondering if there are certain nuances of a guy's place that tip off that he's single. I wrote about my apartment's limitations when it comes to making out with girls. As soon as you enter there are a number of unattractive things that scare a woman off.
A bachelor pad doesn't necessarily scare women off. It simply contains clues that there is no other woman in this guy's life. Even when a woman doesn't live with a guy, she shapes him up and improves his domestic habits. Bachelors are at one end of a spectrum; at the other end of that spectrum is my parent's house: everything is perfect, and my dad is out-ranked by my mom in specific decisions regarding the beauty and functionality of the house.
I went through my apartment and picked out some elements that cried "bachelor,":
Ramen Noodles & Pasta
Food is one of the few things that makes single guys similar to moms with young children. We want our meals to be quick, easy, and to the point. Personally, I like every meal to be full of salt too, and Ramen supplies that. Ramen is about $0.33/pack, so I load up on it regularly. I could make a fortress out of all the bricks of Ramen I have. Pasta is quick and easy too.
No Dining Room/Kitchen Table
The ultimate bachelor behavior is eating in front of the TV: breakfast, lunch and dinner. No need for a sit down kitchen table, but it is imperative that I have a good table at the TV for eating.
Towels Hold Many Clues
My mom keeps trying to give me tea towels, but they have a way of disappearing into thin air. And I'll never hang decorative towels in the bathroom-- all towels in the bathroom are for drying purposes. Towels that hang there just to look pretty make no sense to me. None of the towels in my bathroom match. I use one towel as a facial towel and a rotation of bath towels to dry myelf off after the shower. I also don't care what's on the towel, considering one of them is green with frogs sitting on lily pads. Also, in the bathroom, I never have more than one solitary towel hanging on that rack.
Awful DVD Collection
Take a look at a guy's DVD collection to gain some clues. A bachelor shamelessly displays horrible movies, or at least random movies. Because there is no girl for a guy to watch movies with, or to share the DVD shelf with, it will be a "male" collection of movies. If he's like me, quality of movie is not a pre-requisite for making it on to the shelf. A sampling of what you'll find on my DVD shelf:
- Godzilla boxed set
- Slumber Party Massacre
- MacGyver Boxed Set
- Texas Chainsaw Massacre
- Shark Week
- Killer Klowns From Outter Space
...I'll stop right there. You get the point.
Attempts At Decorative Art
When I'm walking in NYC I can tell the apartments of established people by the fact that they have art with specific lighting trained on that art. Now, bachelor guys will try to put up art on the walls, but there's not much rationale behind it. It does not match the surroundings, the imagery is random, or it is a fad from years back like Ansel Adams prints. My motif is old album covers-- there were two, but one frame broke. Now there's just one on the wall, not centered.
The Ultimate Lounging Center
Bachelors love their TV, so it's important that they have an amazing area to watch it. More attention is paid to the couches and TV than the bathroom, kitchen, or non-tv sections of the bedroom. In fact, it's a status symbol among bachelors to have a great lounge/TV area.
What items in a guy's apartment tip you off that he's a bachelor? Have you changed or "helped" out boyfriends with their apartments once you're close enough with them to do so?
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