4 Over-Rated Sex Locations

I laid down on the kitchen table to see what the big deal was about having sex on it - it was like lying on a board.

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I figure that any location with a drink named after it (Sex on the Beach) must be a great place to try it out. But I can disprove any theory that sex in certain "traditional" hot spots is good. Here is my reasoning:

Sex on the Beach

Ever since Jaws, I've feared the ocean. The sea is very romantic, but I would be too nervous the entire time. Jaws proved in that first scene of the movie-like Jason from Friday the 13th-that he won't put up with bad behavior like pot-smoking or sex. Aside from Jaws, there are all sorts of other creatures out there. While walking in the ocean I've stepped on some unidentified crustaceous creatures and we've both scuttled along away from one another in fear.

Maybe it's safer on shore? No way-- because sand gets into everything. It has a mind of its own. Sand makes sex uncomfortable and even painful. My solution is to try to get a place by the beach and do it out on the porch where you can see and hear the waves: Sex at the beach, but not on the beach.

Sex in the Shower

I once tried this, but the entire time I was trying to contort my body so that I could get everything inserted correctly. That "up against the wall" variation is tougher than it sounds. I have this terrible fearevery time in the shower (with or without a girl), I'm going to slip and crack my skull open. The entire shower apparatus is so slippery, and then you have soap all over the place. It's a danger zone.

Plus, I do my best to keep my bathroom clean, but I don't think I'd ever want to have sex anywhere near something called "mildew".

Sex on the Kitchen Table

One time I laid down on the kitchen table to see what the big deal was about having sex on it-I promise I made sure no one was looking. It was like lying on a board. I then imagined what it would be like with some other person on top of me, compressing me. Most tables can't handle this activity anyway-I once broke my best friend's table by flopping onto it during a drinking game. Part of the "charm" of sex on the kitchen table is being so overcome with passion that you clear said table in one windshield-wiper movement with your arms.

Pretty fun, and cool. But after all is said and done, you might realize that you have ruined an entire set of dishes and you have to then sweep everything up.

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The Mile High Club

My fear flying ensures that I'll never become a member of this exclusive club. When I fly, I'm planning for the plane to go down. Every last movement of the plane makes me nervous. So why would I do an activity that might make the plane rock back and forth. They say they test the wings by putting weight on them, but I doubt they have people go test the bathrooms for Mile High Safety before a plane is added to the fleet.

On top of this, while flying, I have to just sit and behave. I'm already afraid that the plane is going to go down because of my past sins. While sex is not a sin, people are always getting punished in horror movies (by Jason and Jaws) for having sex. So, while I physically don't want to rock the boat, I'll refrain from mentally rocking the boat too.

I'm also a jumpy bathroom user. I rarely go #2 in public bathrooms. If someone knocks, they are catching me at my most vulnerable moment. So, why go into the bathroom and do something that could take a while, and leave that "occupied' sign lit up any longer than it needs to be. For the remainder of the flight, people will associate me with the lit up "occupied sign".

And, again, that up against the wall position is necessary in a tiny space. Why are people so enamored of that sex position? Shower? Airplane bathroom? It's like those frat guys in the '50's who pile up in the phone booth: let's just see if we can do this activity in this tiny space.

Have you ever tried sex in any of these locations, or tried it in places that are considered fun/adventurous? What were your experiences like? Will these places become fun once I've mastered the basics with someone?