Why Your Boyfriend Can't Orgasm

shirtless guy wearing only a white tie with woman sitting behind him in bed

(Image credit: btrenkel)

published 20 April 11

A while back I asked if women enjoy sex even when they don't orgasm. (opens in new tab)

Now I'm wondering if sex is bad for a woman if the guy doesn't orgasm. I'll be completely candid here: I don't orgasm often during oral sex or intercourse. What is the cause of this phenomenon? I'm not sure, but I have a few theories about my affliction:

Too Much Self-Stimulation

I satisfy myself quite often. (opens in new tab) All this self-stimulation not only tires me out, but it creates a high standard for physical pleasure because I'm the only one who knows exactly what I want. Masturbation is isolating: I am more comfortable orgasming by myself than with another person.

Crisis Thinking

During sex, I worry about anything and everything from losing my erection, to the girl not enjoying it (opens in new tab). I wish I could be a regular dude and think: "Man, I'm nailing this chick right now," but I can't.

Performance Anxiety

During foreplay, the crazy thought that enters my head is often, "Oh man, we might have to have sex." It's not that I don't want to have sex. The problem is that I pressure myself. The same thing happens during oral — during the act I think to myself, "Oh man, she definitely expects me to orgasm during this."

It's the same thing as me having a chance to play guitar in front of a huge crowd. I'd welcome the challenge as something I've always wanted to do, but I'd be nervous. In fact, I'm more confident playing guitar in front of a crowd than I am at sex. (opens in new tab)

My issues with reaching orgasm play out in many different ways. Women have cried after sex because I didn't ejaculate. I don't mind if I don't ejaculate during sex — Besides, I can easily ejaculate later — no big deal.

I think women are conditioned to believe that guys are "easy" to bring to orgasm. When it doesn't happen, women immediately blame themselves. Usually, my consolation of "It's not you, it's me" is not good enough. I understand why women would blame themselves, though I wish they wouldn't. Most women are used to guys orgasming easily — so it's a new experience for a woman to deal with.

Is it bad sex when the guy doesn't orgasm? Do you wonder what's wrong with you when he doesn't orgasm, or do you realize it's his problem?