My friends, family, and co-workers say I should be more goal-oriented (opens in new tab). It is true: I'm a bundle of unorganized energy without much direction.
Actually, my goals are both vague and simple. I live life to fall in love, have fun, and laugh (opens in new tab). However, I can't translate these lighthearted goals to sex.
For me, sex is not fun for many reasons (opens in new tab). One reason is I pressure myself to bring a woman to orgasm. If I don't bring a woman to orgasm (opens in new tab), I feel like I've failed her...especially if we are in a serious relationship (opens in new tab) and I continuously fail to bring her to orgasm. Striking out on a one-night stand is one thing (opens in new tab), but when I'm consistently failing the same girl I care about, it's a major disappointment.
There are a few beliefs about orgasms that make it a pressure cooker:
An Orgasm Is Necessary for Good Sex
Anything less might be fun, but still a failure. How is it fair that a guy gets to have orgasms all the time so easily while women don't have them as often? In my world I'm constantly trying to achieve balance so both parties should be complete after sex (opens in new tab).
I Don't Even Know When She Has One
It's so unfair that women can fake their orgasms for clueless, unsuspecting fools like me (opens in new tab). I can't tell the difference between a great actress and a girl in the throes of an awesome orgasm. So, I could be failing the entire time I
think I'm succeeding or (better yet) I could be succeeding even though I don't even know it.
I Bet Other Guys Gave Her One
Once I'm consistently failing to deliver orgasms for my girlfriend, I assume her exes were dashing orgasm wizards (opens in new tab), capable of conjuring these orgasms out of nothing. So, that just makes me inadequate in the end, and she probably thinks of her orgasm-capable boyfriend while I'm bumbling around in bed with her (opens in new tab).
I Must Time Mine with Hers
Most guys screw up by achieving orgasm too early.
This deflates a sexual encounter like a party crasher (opens in new tab). I'm great at procrastinating important things like work, but I can't procrastinate my orgasm for the life of me. The pressure builds while I try to hold onto my orgasm, waiting for hers to happen — and of course I'm never really sure if/when she's actually had one.
I was speaking to a female friend who told me that she thinks sex is bad for a guy if he doesn't have an orgasm. From a guy's point of view (and I'm afraid that I'm not a normal guy) (opens in new tab), I feel so lucky to be doing anything remotely sexual with a girl, an orgasm is the last thing on my mind. Plus, I can honestly just give myself an orgasm in five minutes if I really need one (opens in new tab). While it might be impersonal, it still gets the job done in a pinch (or a squeeze?).
I don't expect a woman to give me an orgasm during sexual activity; I've only achieved orgasm twice in all of the times I've had sex. Basically, we just go for a while until we tire. I guess that's not great sex, but I'm never disappointed with a woman because I can't have an orgasm.
I'm disappointed with myself (opens in new tab) for not being able to give her an orgasm. I'm happy with a great kisser, nice moments, and an overall feeling of intimacy (opens in new tab). I've given myself orgasms much more often than I've actually connected spiritually and mentally with a woman.
I guess the "healthy" thing to do is to work on it together and accomplish great things (opens in new tab) together sexually. But really, who is lucky enough to be "healthy" these days? I know I'm not (opens in new tab).
So back to you. Is "good sex" all about the orgasm? Or is it more holistic, based on a bunch of factors? What if everything else goes great, but you don't end up having an orgasm? Is it just a disappointment, or is it bad sex?
Follow me on Twitter: twitter.com/richravens (opens in new tab)
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