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January 11, 2008

How to Date Like a Man

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man and woman in restaurant

Photo Credit: Goldmund/iStock

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OWN THE ROOM
When’s the last time you saw a guy walk into a bar or party looking useless and confused? Okay, so it was yesterday. Were you interested in him? No? Shocker. That’s because most guys walk into a place with a purpose. Unless they’re looking for a space to park their binder filled with original Star Trek drawings, they’re looking for friends or women. And you should look the same. When you walk into a place, act like you know where the hell you’re going, even if you don’t. Everyone will wonder who you are and why you’re there, but they’ll never think you’re useless and confused.

EYE YOUR PREY
Got your eye on someone? Good. Don’t shy away. Look him straight in the eye and think, You should be attached to my lips by now; why aren’t you? Trust me, he’ll read your thoughts like they’re projected above your head on a wide-screen.

FAKE INTEREST
Look, no one cares about what anyone else has to say. They just don’t. But what you have to do is pretend that you do. Ask about their life, their job, their parents, anything to keep them talking. Because the more fake interest you show in them, the easier it is to disarm them. Guys are used to talking about themselves, as are we all, but if you actually fake an interest, they kind of don’t know what to do. Like puppies trapped in a cage in the window of a pet shop, they are addicted to the interest you show in them. Tap the glass. Watch them lick your fingers.

TAKE CONTROL
You’re at the bar, you’re talking to him, it’s been hours, and still nothing has happened. Do us all a favor: Kiss the idiot. For one thing, he’s not going to not appreciate it. For another, if you don’t do it, someone else will.

There are two ways to take control of a situation like this, whether you’re at a bar or a wedding or an inauguration.

Way #1: Lean forward and say, “You have the cutest lips!”
Way #2: Lean forward and say, “Are you going to kiss me now or WHAT?”

Way #2, obviously, puts the ball in his court and makes him feel in control, even though, really, you’ve just instructed him to kiss you, which is pretty much what you wanted him to do in the first place.

You can always take control by just telling him to do what he probably wanted to do anyway; whether it’s kissing you or getting you a cab home. Tell him what to do. He’ll like it.

SEX IS ALWAYS ON THE MENU
Do you want sex? No, really, do you? Because men do. And that’s pretty much all they want from you until they get to know you and your sense of humor and how you put on your shoes in that cute way that no one else does. And until you realize that sex is not an invitation to boyfriendville, you’re screwed.

He just wants to have sex with you. And you? You want to have sex with him. So do it already. Enjoy it. Tell him what you want. Make him your momentary love slave. And after it’s over?

Make him sleep in the wet spot.


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