Aside from shedding light on the horror that is the male mind, this blog includes sad personal anecdotes, to help you feel better about yourself. My method of exposing my pathetic dating life allows you to say: "At least I'm not that bad."
With most of my friends out of town this past weekend, I pledged to get work done and put finishing touches on my new apartment. Usually, these quiet weekends are amazing, but this time around I had time to consider the following signs that I've hit rock bottom in my dating life (can you relate?):
My Voice Mail Inventory
Most guys have many girls calling so they choose which girl to take out on a given night. Because I so rarely check my voice mail, the messages pile up. In bulk, they remind me of my lack of prospects:
Message 1: "Hi Rich, it's Mom."
Message 2: "Rich? It's your mother."
Message 3: "Hey, Rich, it's Mom trying to catch up with you."
Stay In The Know
Marie Claire email subscribers get intel on fashion and beauty trends, hot-off-the-press celebrity news, and more. Sign up here.
Message 4: "Rich, it's Jack. Did you see that play in the O's game? Awesome."
Message 5: Incomprehensible drunk karaoke message from sister
Message 6: "Hey it's me [my sister]. Sorry about the drunk singing last night, but you should have come, it was fun."
Message 7: "This is an automated call from MasterCard. Your payment is overdue."
END of new messages.
One of the Girls
I recently met up with a friend from out of town, Jenn, at a karaoke bar. It ended up being me, Jenn, her three sisters, and their mom. My favorite karaoke song, unfortunately, is Dolly Parton's "9 to 5," which was a campy hit with the girls when I sang it. When I told Jenn I can't attend her upcoming wedding, she said it we'd call it even as long as I "attended the bachelorette party." Becoming one of the girls is not in my best interest if I ever want a date.
Paling in Comparison
Comparing myself to others isn't healthy, but it's the most unhealthy when I suck in comparison to bad people. While reading about Charles Manson, I was struck by the amount of women he slept with. It seems that every evil person I read about pretty much gets laid more than I do. So, if psycho killers, and maladjusted freaks are getting laid regularly, where does that leave me?
The Last Living Thing in My Bed Was My Cat
...and he's getting more and more aggressive, lying flat on his back, stretching out to the point where I'm nearly off the edge of the bed when I wake up in the morning.
Rustiness
The other day I attempted to e-mail a girl to tell her to meet up with some friends and me. I just couldn't get the wording right. Frankly, it's been a long time since I've suggested to a girl: "Hey, let's meet up for a drink." I had to have a friend edit the e-mail.
Sad Stats
When I admit how long it's been since I've had a girlfriend, people gasp. Their reaction has nothing to do with me being "boyfriend material. People just didn't know it was possible for anyone to go that long without a girlfriend. I've also become a born-again virgin because it's been a while since I've done that too. I might do better if I was Charles Manson.
Stress Over Required Date Events
I have until October to figure out my "plus one" for my sister's wedding. I need a date, considering my entire family will be there. I probably shouldn't bring a friend because we'll have to deal with questions from my family. I wish I knew women I "dated casually" for these types of events.
Mind Games
My mind plays tricks on you when I'm slumping. Lately, I've thought: "Wow, I haven't dated for a while. I used to be good at this." When the slump continues: "Wow, maybe I never was good at this." It kills confidence, a cycle that makes it tough to beat the slump.
I'm too picky, jaded, lazy, and "over" the scene. It's just tough to spend time with girls I'm not that into. But, perhaps I should go on some meaningless dates to get back in the swing of things. I can do casual as long as I don't worry what it means, or think about the next step before I even take the first step.
Do you agree with my signs of rock bottom? What parts of your dating life signify you're in a slump or hitting rock bottom? Do you agree that you have to go on meaningless dates to get out of rock bottom, or do you have a different way out?
Follow me on Twitter: twitter.com/richravens
-
Prince George, Princess Charlotte, and Prince Louis “Are Following Some New Rules” at Home to Help Make Life Easier for Princess Kate
As their mother receives treatment for cancer, the Wales trio is reportedly pitching in and taking on some extra chores around the house.
By Rachel Burchfield Published
-
'30s Beauty Is Back
Your Cupid's Bow is about to get a lot of attention.
By Gabrielle Ulubay Published
-
30 Beauty and Wellness Items I'm Gifting for Mother's Day
I *might* be borrowing these later.
By Emma Walsh Published
-
5 Insane Stories of Family Drama Ruining Weddings
Because the Markles aren’t the only ones going through it.
By Megan Friedman Published
-
4 Reasons Why Dating Is So Hard
Somehow I woke up at 9 a.m. this past Saturday to get Arcade Fire tickets for their upcoming Madison Square Garden show. Their album Funeral has always meant a lot to me as a commentary for growing up and loss of innocence. Their song "Wake
By Rich Santos Published
-
Do Women Really Want Commitment?
I've got lots of friends who have given it a shot, tried to tell a woman that they're into her, only to scare her away.
By Rich Santos Published
-
Redemption for Rape Victims in the Military (And Everywhere)
Because it's about time.
By Hallie Gould Published
-
The Men Tell All—Until We Shut Them Up
As Emily Maynard nears handing off her last rose on this Sunday's season finale, the Bachelorette's quest for perfection might be leading her to choose a dishonest mate.
By Millie Kerr Published
-
Q & A: What Do Women Want?
A revealing new website seeks to answer that eternal question.
By Marie Claire Published
-
The Divorce Toilet
Women in Japan are praying to the porcelain god, but it has nothing to do with booze
By Abigail Haworth Published
-
8 Types of Guys That Won't Commit
Trying to get men to commit is an age-old riddle in the female mind.
By Rich Santos Published