Aside from shedding light on the horror that is the male mind, this blog includes sad personal anecdotes, to help you feel better about yourself. My method of exposing my pathetic dating life allows you to say: "At least I'm not that bad."
With most of my friends out of town this past weekend, I pledged to get work done and put finishing touches on my new apartment. Usually, these quiet weekends are amazing, but this time around I had time to consider the following signs that I've hit rock bottom in my dating life (can you relate?):
My Voice Mail Inventory
Most guys have many girls calling so they choose which girl to take out on a given night. Because I so rarely check my voice mail, the messages pile up. In bulk, they remind me of my lack of prospects:
Message 1: "Hi Rich, it's Mom."
Message 2: "Rich? It's your mother."
Message 3: "Hey, Rich, it's Mom trying to catch up with you."
Message 4: "Rich, it's Jack. Did you see that play in the O's game? Awesome."
Message 5: Incomprehensible drunk karaoke message from sister
Message 6: "Hey it's me [my sister]. Sorry about the drunk singing last night, but you should have come, it was fun."
Message 7: "This is an automated call from MasterCard. Your payment is overdue."
END of new messages.
One of the Girls
I recently met up with a friend from out of town, Jenn, at a karaoke bar. It ended up being me, Jenn, her three sisters, and their mom. My favorite karaoke song, unfortunately, is Dolly Parton's "9 to 5," which was a campy hit with the girls when I sang it. When I told Jenn I can't attend her upcoming wedding, she said it we'd call it even as long as I "attended the bachelorette party." Becoming one of the girls is not in my best interest if I ever want a date.
Paling in Comparison
Comparing myself to others isn't healthy, but it's the most unhealthy when I suck in comparison to bad people. While reading about Charles Manson, I was struck by the amount of women he slept with. It seems that every evil person I read about pretty much gets laid more than I do. So, if psycho killers, and maladjusted freaks are getting laid regularly, where does that leave me?
The Last Living Thing in My Bed Was My Cat
...and he's getting more and more aggressive, lying flat on his back, stretching out to the point where I'm nearly off the edge of the bed when I wake up in the morning.
The other day I attempted to e-mail a girl to tell her to meet up with some friends and me. I just couldn't get the wording right. Frankly, it's been a long time since I've suggested to a girl: "Hey, let's meet up for a drink." I had to have a friend edit the e-mail.
When I admit how long it's been since I've had a girlfriend, people gasp. Their reaction has nothing to do with me being "boyfriend material. People just didn't know it was possible for anyone to go that long without a girlfriend. I've also become a born-again virgin because it's been a while since I've done that too. I might do better if I was Charles Manson.
Stress Over Required Date Events
I have until October to figure out my "plus one" for my sister's wedding. I need a date, considering my entire family will be there. I probably shouldn't bring a friend because we'll have to deal with questions from my family. I wish I knew women I "dated casually" for these types of events.
My mind plays tricks on you when I'm slumping. Lately, I've thought: "Wow, I haven't dated for a while. I used to be good at this." When the slump continues: "Wow, maybe I never was good at this." It kills confidence, a cycle that makes it tough to beat the slump.
I'm too picky, jaded, lazy, and "over" the scene. It's just tough to spend time with girls I'm not that into. But, perhaps I should go on some meaningless dates to get back in the swing of things. I can do casual as long as I don't worry what it means, or think about the next step before I even take the first step.
Do you agree with my signs of rock bottom? What parts of your dating life signify you're in a slump or hitting rock bottom? Do you agree that you have to go on meaningless dates to get out of rock bottom, or do you have a different way out?
Follow me on Twitter: twitter.com/richravens