'The Bachelor' Recap: Please Don't Ask My Dad For Permission to Marry Me

My least favorite week on La Bachelor/ette is hometown dates. Honestly, I'm barely invested in the top four, especially this season, because we barely know them, so why should I care about their families? I know these people just about as much as Colton does. I get it, it's a great way for The Bachelor and the city they visit to get promotional consideration (that's the old way they used to say #sponcon) but it's always boring, especially coming off of the explosion that was last week and, well, what comes next week.

Right now, we are in 2019 BFJ: Before Fence Jump. By this time next week, will be 2019 PFJ: Post Fence Jump, and I may take before and after photos because I. Am. Pumped. So, yet again, this week was an exercise in getting to a jumped fence, and that exercise was Colton asking the dads for "permission" to marry their daughter. Ugh. UGH!!!! It's so antiquated, as if they're going to demand a cow as a dowry. It robs the women of their agency as fully formed decision makers. I get that The Bachelor has to appeal to what they view as Middle American Values, but my god. So much of this show is steeped in antiquated ideas of love, and it bothers me deeply.

And this isn't me saying that I don't believe that families should have no involvement in relationships, far from it. I just think it's old-school and devastatingly heteronormative for the male suitors to only ask the dad for permission to marry their daughter. It stems from the idea that daughters were property being traded off like a tractor and I hate the fact that all of this episode's drama hinges on whether or not Colton will get the dad's "permission."

I'm not marrying anyone my momma don't like, but I'm pretty sure if any man asked her for my hand in marriage, she'd laugh them out of the room. Amanda does what she wants. *hair flip*

Honestly, the best part of these hometowns was how much these dads seemed to hate Colton and resented him asking the question. While I loved Tayshia getting revenge against Colton for taking her bungee jumping by taking him skydiving, Perd Hapley—I mean, her dad—was not having this random white boy that walked into his house. Caelynn's stepdad, who I stan, basically told Caelynn that maybe she and Colton are better off as friends. Cassie's dad called Colton "A Guy," and I wish I had started calling Colton A Guy at the beginning of the season, even though I don't think that Cassie came across looking her best in that conversation. I mean, these dads had the most realistic reactions to the idea that their child is thinking of marrying someone they've known for weeks. You are all correct, dads. I'm just glad that Joe Simpson–I mean, Cassie's dad—stuck to his guns and couldn't give Colton permission to marry his daughter. I only wish Perd Hapley/Tayshia's dad had done the same. Damn you, producers, and your manipulations.

I'm also living for the idea that Colton couldn't keep his hands off of Cassie in front of her very, very, very conservative family. I watched her reality show. Well, one episode. Then I watched Burning Love. But like, Colton, read the room, bro. I'm also very much over the fact that Ben Higgins got in huge trouble and it was the end of the world for him when he told Joelle and Lauren B. OG that he loved both of them, while Colton's over here throwing out "I love yous" to everyone who wants one. I kindly decline, Colton, and it appears Cassie does too.

Anyway, this episode was kind of a nothing burger, aside from Colton (A Guy) being very bad at surfing (no shock), not knowing how to butter bread (no shock), being terrified of Tayshia's bad driving (I love you Tayshia), and Hannah G... "rapping" at the end credits. So to wrap this whole thing up, here's my favorite person going to an etiquette class, and maybe Colton can take a note or two.

I'll see you next week for Women Tell All, Fanty Sweets, and... le saut de clôture. THAT'S FENCE JUMP IN FRENCH, Y'ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For more stories like this, including celebrity news, beauty and fashion advice, savvy political commentary, and fascinating features, sign up for the Marie Claire newsletter.

SUBSCRIBE HERE

bachelor

Where Are They Now: The Couples of Bachelor Nation

I'm Still Waiting for Colton to Jump That Fence

I Auditioned for This Season of 'The Bachelor'