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Guess who's back? If you guessed Cassie, you were right, congratulations. If you guessed me, back to write this recap, you get a MILLION dollars (do not ask me for this money). But really, how absurd was this finale, really? Really. I've been watching every season of this show for years, and this finale was...pulling teeth to make a love story happen. For me, it was like watching a horror movie. I felt the narrative of the entire The Bachelor (opens in new tab)finale episode (opens in new tab)—if you love someone hard enough, they'll eventually give in—sent a dangerous message. And that's saying a lot, considering this show has a proven history of sending dangerous messages.
Cassie said that she wasn't interested in a relationship, let alone marriage, and she had a past with controlling relationships, and Colton's response was, "Well, let's try it anyway!"
To which I say, Cassie, why are you here? Did you know you were signing up for The Bachelor? I bet she's thinking, "Damn it, I knew I should have tried out for Big Brother, at least then I could get a chance on Ex on the Beach." (I love Ex on the Beach.)
Even in their initial reunion—I would like to commend the show for not dragging out their reunion, instead getting it over with in a clean 10 minutes—she's full of nervous laughter. She doesn't know what to do. She asked him if he's 100 percent sure, because she couldn't believe that he dumped two other women for her (in an excruciating manner, and I'm so glad Hannah G challenged him on that). He guilted his way into her life, and he did it in front of cameras. And honestly, I'm not villainizing anyone here—I feel bad for both of them in this case. I really do. I was joking when I talked about that Andy and Erin scene from The Office in my recap last week (opens in new tab), but when Colton said “compromise, sacrifice, all things you do when you love somebody," it reminded me of that scene again.
Yes, compromise and sacrifice are all things you do when you love somebody—but you should not be the compromise. Do not sacrifice yourself for anybody. I cannot stress this enough. If you're getting your love advice from The Bachelor, noononononononononononononoSTOP.
At one point in the episode, Colton says, "If things go well, Cassie could be in love with me by the end of the week!” That's not what you want. The entire thing reads like a trap, like a two-hour version of a rejected proposal on a Jumbotron. Colton's parents, The Underwoods, put the other Underwoods (opens in new tab)to shame with their shade and skepticism towards Cassie. No one wants to tell their parents, “I wish for it to be reciprocated.” when talking about a potential partner. If I was talking to my mom and she asked me, “Do you think [he] is in love with you?” And I said, “Um...not right now,” she would give me a side eye so gentle yet fierce and icy, I would feel it to my very core.
I don't understand why Colton is so concerned Cassie didn't love him yet felt confident enough to return for her. I don't get it. She was literally so happy, packing up her stuff, probably listening to the Legally Blonde soundtrack, and then BLAMMO, the dude you just dumped shows up at your door with cameras to beg you to love him again?!? This is emotional manipulation at its finest, and it feels gross to consume. This is not how love works. In real life, you'd call the cops. You would. But instead, they...well, they fell in love? I guess? I want to believe it's real. I'll leave it at that.
I just can't believe after weeks of a red flag being waved by so many people, this is how it all ends.
Chris Harrison is so mad that he wasn't able to find out if Colton is a virgin, however, and I deeply in my soul love when Chris Harrison is dissatisfied, so I'm okay. He literally was foaming at the mouth to ask if they banged or not. He spent the entire evening talking about it, like your friend who just discovered bitcoin. It's nonyabizness.org, Chris Harrison, and I'm glad I NEVER HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN.
I am still processing that Air Supply appeared on the finale, I was actually scream-laughing-crying. I needed Air Supply because I was laughing so hard. I couldn't stop yelling "WHAT IS THIS?" I had feelings. It was almost like the lead singer of Air Supply and Neil Lane are the same person, and they just had a contractual obligation to fulfill. Like, "We need to fill two hours, I know how—AIR SUPPLY!"
Oh, and we have a new Bachelorette. I'm thrilled with the selection, Hannah B's —or, I guess just Hannah now—gonna be a great lead. She does seem to want this, and her Bachelorette audition —Women Tell All — proved she's capable of carrying the show. I always prefer The Bachelorette because, well, I enjoy looking at attractive men.
Here's hoping she jumps a fence, too.
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Amanda Mitchell is a writer and podcaster with bylines at Marie Claire, OprahMag, Allure, Byrdie, Stylecaster, Bon Appetit, and more. Her work exists at the apex of beauty, pop culture, and absurdity. A human Funfetti cake, she watches too much television, and her favorite season is awards season. You can read more of her work at amandaelizabethmitchell.com or follow her on Instagram and Twitter @lochnessmanda.
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