9 Horrible Life Lessons from 'Game of Thrones': Season 5, Episode 1

What we learned from last night's premiere.

'Game of Thrones': Season 5, Episode 1
(Image credit: Helen Sloan/HBO)

What Happened: Sansa rode off into the west with Petyr Baelish, AKA Littlefinger.

The Lesson: By all means, travel alone with your creepy uncle–if that creepy uncle is saving your life. It might not be the best scenario (come on, Littlefinger is a Grade-A creeper), but it's way better than dealing with haters like Cersei.

What Happened: A young Cersei Lannister broke into a witch's home and demanded to have her fortune told.

The Lesson: You can't escape your fate—if you're meant to have incest children, you're gonna have incest children. And since the future is inevitable, you probably shouldn't bother visiting a psychic; she'll totally ruin your day with WTF fortunes.

Scene from 'Game of Thrones': Season 5, Episode 1; two young girls walking in woods

(Image credit: Helen Sloan/HBO)

What Happened: Maggy the Frog accurately predicted Cersei's above horrible future by sucking blood out of her finger.

The Lesson: Tarot cards are so last year. Next time you try to tell someone's fortune, drink their blood. Who cares about blood-born pathogens? They probably didn't even exist back then!

What Happened: During Tywin Lannister's funeral service, Margaery Tyrell briefly nuzzled with king-to-be Tommen Baratheon and left him wanting more.

The Lesson: Like a gentle way of blue-balling your man, a simple rub of the noses is a very intimate form of affection—and temptation. So far, it seems to working for Margaery; young Tommen is officially whipped.

Scene from 'Game of Thrones': Season 5, Episode 1; woman kissing man of forehead at funeral service

(Image credit: Helen Sloan/HBO)

What Happened: Daenerys Targaryen spent some quality time gazing at Daario Naharis's sculpted butt, and then listened to him weigh in on her latest decisions as queen.

The Lesson: In Dany's case, Daario is onto something: open the fighting pits, win the respect of the people, and then, oh yeah, LEARN TO TRAIN YOUR FREAKIN' DRAGONS. Ain't no better way to rule than with fire-breathing beasts at your side.

Scene from 'Game of Thrones': Season 5, Episode 1; women with hands folded talking to tall man by wooden table

(Image credit: HBO)

What Happened: Basically, Missandei barged into the men's locker room to ask Grey Worm a very pressing question along the lines of: "Why are your Unsullied friends chilling out at the brothels when y'all don't have dicks?" Afterwards, Grey Worm ran off flustered and embarrassed.

The Lesson: The penis can be a sensitive topic. Asking a dude about his size one thing, but things get especially tricky when the question revolves around a lack of "pillar and stones."

What Happened: Brienne of Tarth got sick of babysitting her doting squire Sir Podrick Payne. After trekking hundreds of miles together, Pod was looking to tag along for a few more, but then Bri told him to get lost.

The Lesson: Sometimes—and especially when searching for meaning and justice in the cruel world of Westeros—having a man weigh you down just isn't gonna cut it.

What Happened: Melisandre, the Red Priestess, flirted with Jon Snow in the most direct way possible. It went like this:

Melisandre: "Are you a virgin?"

Jon: "No."

Melisandre: "Good."

The Lesson: If you just wanna bone, go for experienced guys. Melisandre's definitely looking to have another demon shadow baby, and Jon Snow seems to be a prime candidate. Best of all, thanks to Jon's tryst with Ygritte, she doesn't have to waste time breaking him in.

Scene from 'Game of Thrones': Season 5, Episode 1; man at stake, while woman and men with torches watch

(Image credit: Helen Sloan/HBO)

What Happened: Gilly, now a guest of Castle Black, is getting the sense that she's not wanted around. Her sort-of boyfriend Samwell Tarly says not to worry—he's going wherever she goes. But then Gilly reminds him that they kill deserters of the Wall.

The Lesson: Put that crow in his place. When the White Walkers are lurking, like, juuuust over there, maybe now's not the time to just follow your heart.

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