I'm not a great bowler. In the grand King Pin tradition of Homer Simpson, Fred Flintstone and the bath-robed, rug-missing Dude, I am, in fact, totally average. But as the captain of the Marie Claire bowling team, the MC Hammers—yes, we have a bowling team, and yes, you can be jealous of our very awesome team shirts. I have to say, all the Hammers roll better than a certain Presidential candidate from Illinois—I know, because all 14 of them did just last night. A measly 37, Barack? Really? Yes, really. We're not bad considering we're New Yorkers and lanes here are as hard to come by parking spots. Here's a few bowling tips to improve your sad showing and get you ready in case you ever get to use the White House's basement bowling lanes—or should you ever confront a gang of Hearst gals at the local Bowl-o-Rama.
1) Try to get a shirt as cool as ours. No more of this tie and cuffed trousers business at the lanes. When in Altoona, you know? And perhaps a slogan. It helps. Borrow ours if you must: "Too legit to quit." It works on several levels.
2) Come up with a clever screen name for yourself on the scoreboard, a nickname like Obamarama or Barack-n-Roll!, so we have something to shout when you get that spare. Again, it helps with "lane cred" and shows the crowd that even after an embarrassing 37 that this is all in fun. See, folks, not wooden!
3) Dude, is that velcro on your shoes? Stick with the classic two-toned lace up when it comes to lane-side fashions. Bowling is, by definition, old-school. That means no "cosmic" blacklight bowling, no smoke machines, no gourmet snack bar. Certain things—like the age-old tradition of beer, nachos and bowling—aren't meant to be upgraded.
4) Find the right ball. Something engraved with your new nickname would be an extra-special touch, and earn you more slaps on the back from your fellow bowlers. Make sure your ball is the right weight. It should be heavier than, say, a sack of laundry, but lighter than the guilt your mother lays on you for being dateless on a Saturday night. And perhaps try one in blue or red? Folks seem to think that red signifies power and blue trust. Of course, I don't think you can go wrong with this ball, which screams presidential glory. Never underestimate the importance of the right accessories.
5) Use the arrows on the lanes for guidance. They're there for a reason. Obama's left-handed—a lefty, so to speak. Rookie lefties often send their balls end up in the right-hand gutter. Keep your wrist straight as you release the fury of the ball, and perhaps use the arrow one or two from the left of center to help correct your, er, right-leaning tendencies.
6) When all else fails, order a beer tower. My team really seemed to enjoy it.
Do any of you Daily Dishers bowl? What's your average? Got the pictures to prove it??? Email them to me!