The other day my buddy and I were sitting with his female roommate (Sarah) when she said something crazy but interesting. She's currently dating a great guy who treats her well. Her last boyfriend cheated on her and didn't treat her well at all. So, one would think that she was in a great situation now.
However, sex with the new boyfriend hasn't been great. Meanwhile, sex with the mean boyfriend was amazing. I suppose the frustration of the lackluster sex with the new boyfriend finally got the better of her. She exclaimed:
Her statement got me thinking outside of "Wow, girls talk like guys sometimes." Here are some questions I came up with:
1. Does a good personality have a positive effect on sex?
According to this girl's statement, the answer is "no." For a while, I thought if a girl thought I was a great guy, the sex would be good, or eventually it would get good. Conversely, I figured that a guy who was once sexually attractive to a girl could do mean or hurtful things that would make him no longer sexually attractive to the girl.
But Sarah is saying she'd rather have sex with the ex despite his bad behavior. Sex with the nice guy just isn't up to snuff. Personality does figure into sexual chemistry, but there are other elements such as sexual compatibility, physical compatibility, and a (I suppose) magical undefinable animal attraction.
2. Would I rather be the perfect nice boyfriend who isn't great at sex or the obnoxious ex who she still wants only for sex?
This was the most disturbing part of the discussion between my buddy and me. We agreed we would rather be in the shoes of the jerky guy. I suppose we think it's easier to be a nice guy than it is to have a girl lusting after us for sex. It's funny how guys are totally fine with being wanted just for sex, but girls are disgusted when guys want them just for sex. I think women have it right — guys are demented in their thinking sometimes.
3. Should you break up with a great guy just because the sex is bad?
When you finally find the great guy, do you hold on to him if the sex is ho-hum? Most of us would take time to work on it together, but suppose it never improves? Is sex a secondary piece of the relationship, or is it of equal importance to the rest of the pieces?
4. Is Sarah's present relationship really that great?
Sarah may not like her boyfriend that much, even though he treats her well. Instead of sitting on the couch longing for her ex-boyfriend, she should be talking openly to her current boyfriend about improving their sex life together. Bottom line: If you're longing for something else emotionally or sexually, your relationship is not healthy. Perhaps the sex would be better if Sarah was totally into her boyfriend?
5. Is it common to crave exes?
My friend and I were thinking how bad we'd feel if we knew our girlfriend was basically longing for another guy's penis. I always thought when a girl and I were right for each other, we'd forget everyone from our past — or we wouldn't have concrete thoughts about wanting them. I guess we remember past significant others as little landmark moments that we miss once in a while.
It gets complicated when we long for a particular aspect of our past relationships. So, it's natural to think about exes and want them on some level, but our current relationship is weak when we favor elements of past relationships over the present relationship. We should be out there looking for that person who hits on all cylinders.
What are your thoughts and answers on my questions above? Am I off base with any of my thoughts/conclusions?
Follow me on Twitter: twitter.com/richravens
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